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Key points
- Household inequity and the frustrations that follow do not appear to be changing with younger generations.
- Couples struggling with household inequality may be in a cycle where one partner tries to help but withdraws after being criticized by the other.
- A therapist can help couples with household inequality communicate with each other in a protected space.
“I am the one at home who does all the things. My partner doesn’t understand how much work I do to manage the household, nor do they understand that—between home and work—I am stretched and stressed all the time. I’ve asked for help. I’ve tried to explain. Sometimes things get better for a day or two. But nothing lasts. Now I am frustrated, resentful, exhausted—and my relationship is in trouble. I am at breaking point. What do I do?”
When someone is faced with this question, they have two pathways for moving forward: Seek out professional help, or do it yourself. See my previous post for some background information on the dynamics of relationships and household work with specific guidance on going it alone. If you are interested in seeking professional assistance, I hope the following guidance helps inform your decision.
To collect information for this post, I spoke to three experts: Jessica DeGroot, founder and executive director of the ThirdPath Institute; Michael Mangino, a practicing licensed clinical psychologist; and Rachel Allender, a clinical social worker.
How Can a Therapist Help?
We know that couples’ therapy can’t “fix” anyone. Unlike the medical model, there is nothing to diagnose, and nothing to prescribe to bring about instant relief. So, what is it exactly that a therapist can do?
A therapist can help you communicate with each other in a protected space with an impartial facilitator. The person who feels over-burdened needs to have the opportunity to explain their feelings, but so does their partner.
As Mangino explains, “a therapist can make emotional sense of the hurt that is present in your relationship. We can help you dig deeper into the ‘why’ behind each partner’s actions. A couples’ therapist can also help you understand how you got to where you are, help you learn to communicate more effectively, and help both partners shift the culture of the relationship so that necessary, long-term changes can be made to give everyone what they might need.”
Allender explained that doing things on your own can feel overwhelming. “Avoidance is something that is baked in to human emotions. It is in our nature to try and avoid hard things. Therapy helps you to look at those hard and scary things, and tackle them in a safe and supportive way.”
Choosing the Right Therapist
Not every therapist is right for every couple. If you are hoping to use your sessions to explore how patriarchy and traditional gender norms have influenced your relationship, you want to ensure you work with a professional with a similar worldview.
Presumably you’ll do due diligence with the information you can find online. When you feel like you’ve found someone who could be a good fit for you, they will likely schedule an interview to assess if you’re ready for couples’ therapy. But you should also assess if you are going to be comfortable working with this person. Allender encourages people to be bold in interviews, and to not be shy in asking direct questions.
Allender cautions that a therapist’s biases might not surface during the first few sessions. She explains, “perhaps because of their own household situation, they might only be able to empathize with one of you. They may not be able to see the problem from both perspectives, and understand that both of you have pain. And that means they’re probably not the right fit. You need someone who can empathize with both of you without getting defensive.”
After all, therapists are humans too. It is important to remain honest with yourself, your partner, and your therapist. If something does not feel right, say so.
Therapy Can Help You Disrupt the Cycle
Household inequity and the frustrations that follow do not appear to be changing with subsequent generations. Both Allender and Mangino agree that this trend has appeared in their practices; both have several new and younger clients struggling with this issue. That does not surprise me. After all, we haven’t seen a significant shift in household dynamics since the mid-1980s.
In our conversation, Allender and I dug into the issues around household work and the underlying emotions connected with household roles. “Of course, it looks a little different now,” Allender explains. “You don’t meet many dads who refuse to change diapers. But cognitive labor is still something we subconsciously assign as women’s work.”
Allender described a cycle that she sees play out in many couples that unequally divide household work. They may both work outside the home and both contribute to household income, but Partner A carries the vast majority of household management responsibilities. This person, understandably, is frustrated, stressed, and exhausted. So, Partner A asks Partner B to step up.
Often, Partner B does step up. But B is out of practice, and a bit rusty with housework and routines. B has to ask lots of questions, and often does not know how to handle a problem. They do their best. But in the end, B makes mistakes. Lots of mistakes.
This is all normal—whenever learning a new skill set, we make mistakes in the process. But it is frustrating. And there can be consequences: a sobbing child who missed a birthday party; a dog that had an accident in the house; or a load of clothes shrunk in the wash. Mistakes can be costly and embarrassing.
Watching this, Partner A gets frustrated. After all, they’ve been working tirelessly for years to make the house run smoothly. It is excruciating to watch Partner B disrupt their functional systems. A gets angry. And eventually, A calls out B’s mistakes. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.
Partner B often has an emotional reaction to this scolding. B feels shame, embarrassment, humiliation, a little resentful, and a lot defensive. Knowing they are failing their partner’s expectations, Partner B withdraws. Partner A goes back to doing all the things, and the unequal balance perpetuates over and over.
Allender discussed how a therapist can help couples break this cycle. “The first thing a couple needs to do is stop and realize who has set the standards. Who has a vision for the house? Chances are, it is just one of you. But a solo vision does not work for organizations—and it does not work at home. You need to have a shared vision; you need to work together to negotiate new standards. One of you should not set the rules for the family. You are a team. You need to cooperate and set rules together, for your team.”
Allender explained that this is going to be hard for Partner A. “That first person has been working for years to perfect this household system. You have worked hard, and you might have a well-oiled machine. It will likely be painful to have someone question your standards; to have to watch someone trying—and perhaps failing—to do something in a new way. You might feel unappreciated for all the time you’ve put into making this system work."
And this will also be hard for Partner B. From Allender, “For the partner who has been less involved, therapy can be a supportive place for grieving what they have missed out on. For example, lost time with young children or an aging family member. Outside of therapy, the Partner A is likely not going to be able to provide Partner B any comfort; they are too overwhelmed to do so. But a therapist can help with that.”
You might both find it uncomfortable to explore how gender norms have influenced your behavior, and how that feels. You may need to confront social expectations, and find a way to ignore social judgement. Exploring hurt is painful. Questioning how gender norms have influenced your behavior is awkward. Adapting new routines can feel clumsy. But it is a necessary step to get to a better place where your relationship is working for both of you.
What Does Therapy Look Like When It Is Working?
One actual indication of success is that therapy is difficult. Mangino explains, “it might get harder before it gets better. You might have to explore some painful experiences in order to get to a better place. So do not be concerned if you do not feel immediate relief. This can actually be a sign of progress.”
Other signs of success? Mangino describes many indications that therapy is working, and you and your partner are moving in the right direction. “Perhaps you are able to listen better, to hear each other, and empathize with each other in a new way. Another indication is that you two are using new language with each other, and communicating more effectively without getting ‘stuck’ in occasional disagreements. This is important inside sessions, but eventually, also outside sessions in your everyday life. We want you to connect the lessons in sessions to the day-to-day, so you have the ability to establish and carry out new norms and patterns of behavior that work for both of you.”
The Sooner the Better
The deeper the problem, the more time it will take to get back to a healthy relationship—or perhaps, the less likely you two will be able to get back to a healthy relationship at all. For this reason, Mangino suggests reaching out to a therapist as early as possible, and not necessarily leaving it as a last resort. “People often see a couples’ therapist when things are already very dire. You don’t have to wait that long. If therapy is an option that is available to you, consider starting as early as possible.”
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
