10 Rules for Engagement...and for Disengagement

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I pay very careful attention to the words that mothers and fathers select because language is always quite revealing when it comes to understanding how parents and young adults understand the distribution of responsibility within their family.

Sometimes, for example, I will hear parents speak in the plural about their son or daughter, as if the two of them are inextricably linked: “Well, we still haven’t gotten a job,” or “Unfortunately, we still appear to be sneaking out to smoke weed.” These words suggest that there is not as much differentiation between the generations as would be advisable at this stage of development, and that the young adult is not seen as fully responsible for his or her own behavior—decision-making is still somehow a conjoint enterprise.

Other times, I’ll hear parents beseech their young adult to “at least do it for me”, the “it” being anything from “finish the semester” to “break up with your crazy girlfriend/boyfriend”. When a parent frames an objective as being “for me”, this almost guarantees that either the objective is not going to be achieved, or it is going to be achieved for the wrong reasons and thus will not ever feel like the young adult’s own achievement. "Do it for me" implies that the young adult's primary responsibility should be meeting his/her parent's goals, rather than his/her own.

Another frequent communication pattern that is displayed in my office is characterized by parents who put themselves in the position of nagging or hectoring a young adult, which then sets into motion a hopelessly subjective and circular debate that is generally scripted along the lines of the following:

Did you turn in that job application?

Not yet, I’m gonna get to it later.

You said that yesterday and the day before!

If you would stop reminding me, I would have done it already!

I wouldn’t have to remind you if you would have done it already!

That’s exactly why I haven’t done it,...because you keep reminding me!

And around and around they go, with no observable end in sight, each partner feeling increasingly persecuted and victimized by the other.

In an effort to break these unproductive communication cycles and lay the groundwork for young adult autonomy, rather than the perpetuation of an unproductive entanglement between the generations, I encourage parents to try to keep the following 10 beliefs in mind as a way of guiding them and their family towards an age-appropriate distribution of responsibility:

1. I am responsible only for what I do, not for what you do.
2. I am not here to solve your problems for you, and you are not here to solve my problems for me.
3. If something upsets me about what you are doing or not doing and I want you to know that, I need to say something to you directly and not expect you to read my mind.
4. If what worries me about what you are doing or not doing does not worry you, then I will need to decide how to handle that, rather than insist that you be as worried or I am, or demand that you feel obligated to make me feel less worried.
5. If you have a problem or concern and want my assistance, you need to let me know that—otherwise, I will assume that you can manage things on your own…
6. …but just because you want my assistance, that does not obligate me to supply it.
7. If I decide, for whatever reasons, not to offer you the assistance that you have requested, you are entitled to be angry and/or disappointed with me, but you will still have to work it out on your own…
8. …if so, though, I have to respect your method of working things out on your own (even if I might have done it differently myself), and allow you to live, happily or unhappily, with whatever consequences ensue.
9. We are both entitled to make mistakes and to individually experience the opportunity to learn from them.
10. We can care for each other without having to take care of each other.

Following these guidelines is not always easy to do, especially if you have a long history of taking more responsibility for your child than is best. Important and enduring changes in a family’s communication paradigm do not—and cannot—occur overnight, and generally need to be gradual, incremental ones.

But the beauty of this framework is that if you are able to operate within it, your young adult will have no choice but to take your lead and follow suit, which will generally build the foundation for better and clearer communication—and higher, more autonomous functioning—across the board.