There Is No "Right" Way to Cope With a Pandemic

It’s been 20 days since I since left my house. In that time, I have not learned a new language, implemented a new fitness routine, read the countless books sitting in my Kindle library, or started the online course that I bought with the best of intentions earlier this year. Instead, I have spent much of the past few weeks in a state of shock, grappling with the enormity of what is happening in our world and the more mundane challenges of working from home while homeschooling my preschooler and being on baby patrol with my newly mobile infant.

My emotions run the gamut, sometimes all within the course of a single hour. I live in two realities; the bubble inside my home and the horrors that I see in the 30 minutes of news coverage I watch each day. I am privileged to stay in the safety of my home, to have a job that allows me to work remotely, to have the financial means to have a supply of food, to have a partner who can help with childcare while I do virtual therapy sessions with my patients. I am grateful for these privileges and things can be tough.

I think a lot of us are struggling with what is the “right” way to feel right now. I hear many people minimize the struggles of everyday life. How can I worry about my weight when people are dying? I shouldn’t be bingeing right now, some people don’t even have enough food to eat. I can’t complain about work, at least I have a job. Here’s a newsflash: just because our country is on pause, doesn’t mean your eating disorder, depression, anxiety, marital issues, or parenting struggles have gone on break. Other peoples’ suffering does not lessen our own daily struggles.

Whatever you are feeling, I invite you to allow the feelings. In a recent article for Harvard Business Review (which I highly recommend reading), grief expert David Kessler writes:

“One unfortunate byproduct of the self-help movement is we’re the first generation to have feelings about our feelings. We tell ourselves things like, I feel sad, but I shouldn’t feel that; other people have it worse. We can — we should — stop at the first feeling. I feel sad. Let me go for five minutes to feel sad. Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something. Fighting it doesn’t help because your body is producing the feeling. If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.”

This is a hard time. Try to offer yourself compassion. You are doing the best that you can and that is enough. There is no “right” way to experience a global pandemic. You don’t have to use this as a period of transformation. You don’t have to become your best self. This is not about thriving, it’s about surviving.

If you are struggling right now, therapy can help. Most therapists are offering virtual services during the crisis and the Psychology Today therapist directory is a great place to find a provider.