Becoming a Victim in Online Dating

In my previous post, I highlighted the problems associated with premature in-person dating with an online contact. I highlighted the importance of having spent a liberal amount of time getting to know the virtual persona to develop a sense of the person and personality that lay behind a two-dimensional mien. I identified the personality characteristics that potential abusers might possess that are genuinely appealing, such as listening skills or a supportive disposition that, in the real world, might morph into unsavory or aggressive behavior. I also hinted at the ease with which a potential mate’s characteristics in the virtual sphere could sometimes be no more than a projection of one’s imagination and desires. I presented a case of Vanessa who was sexually assaulted by Jon early into their first date. On first blush, John seemed extraverted and attentive, a “dream come true.” Those same characteristics led him to be needy and controlling, which led to his sexually aggressive behavior.

The Process of Getting to Know Each Other

The technology of online dating allows an individual to make contact and possibly meet many potential partners easily and quickly. At the same time, the efficiency of the process overrides an ancient ritual that occurs between two people who are getting to know each other. It’s an interpersonal dance of sorts, as two people—even strange bedfellows with very different backgrounds and perspectives—in time sense an emotional “something” emerging between them, a budding affinity that becomes increasingly palpable. This traditional bond-creating journey entails spending time together in familiar and safe surroundings, not uncommonly in the context of friends, colleagues, or acquaintances, that provides the backdrop for their unfolding and unpredictable romantic adventure.

In our contemporary fast-paced culture, with its breathless social mobility and frequent disruptions in living and employment, social media allows one to combat the inevitable sense of loneliness and anomie that many single people feel from a frenetic lifestyle. But, while this virtual antidote has the potential to circumvent barriers to the more traditional process of intimacy creation, its associated risks are concrete and real. Its prolific usage and 24/7 availability make partners from all over the globe available at one’s fingertips. But its efficiency doesn’t mean it’s innocuous; as it's available to all, it allows the unsavory and unstable to ply their wares. As an analogy, online dating could be likened to be more like pit moshing than traditional dancing.

Still, about 30 percent of current marital relationships began with the couples meeting through an online platform. That’s good news. And there’s no evidence that these couples divorce at a rate greater than those couples who met in more traditional ways—also a hopeful sign. Maybe we’re adjusting—evolving—within our cultural niche and finding new ways to identify suitable partners. I hope so.

Potential for Harm

Granting these gleams of light, it’s axiomatic that, unlike Gertrude Stein’s famous aphorism (“a rose is a rose is a rose”), people are as varied as snowflakes. Some will thrive on social media platforms, and some will be at risk, especially when engaging in online dating.

Online dating is phenomenally popular. More than 75 percent of singles have used one venue or another, spread just about equally among males and females. As a business, it generates almost 2 billion U.S. dollars per year. The motivations behind online dating are many, from pure entertainment, escapism, boredom, and simple distraction to a search for a sexual partner. Some subscribe to online dating services with more serious considerations. Many of those individuals are looking for meaningful social contact, with a cohort hoping to find a soulmate.

It’s this second group that may find themselves at risk while pursuing an online date. Those who suffer from loneliness or low self-esteem are especially vulnerable, particularly those with low self-esteem resulting from rejection sensitivity and hunger for interpersonal affirmation to boost esteem.

Individuals with an avoidant style of attachment especially tend to have poor self-esteem regulation and are sensitive to rejection. Usually formed out of a combination of temperament and early caretaking experience, anxious-avoidant individuals have a strong need for reassurance, tend to be dependent in relationships, and fear abandonment. What might seem paradoxical, they have problems trusting partners, even though they are dependent-prone. The problem related to interpersonal trust is their difficulty reading the intentions and emotions of others. This latter characteristic is especially problematic when one is attempting to get a sense of the authenticity of an unfamiliar person in the virtual space.

Unexpectedly, it’s those individuals with personal insecurities and diminished ability to “read the other” who are more likely to prematurely leap into meeting someone who superficially seems likable and supportive.

As I mentioned above, there is about an equal number of men and women traversing the online dating sites. The danger posed to the genders, however, is not equally distributed. It is particularly elevated for females with the characteristics I have outlined and who prematurely agree to a face-to-face meeting with a potential partner. The danger was exemplified by Vanessa who rashly agreed to a date with John, thinking he seemed like “a dream come true,” only to be faced with a nightmare.