A Friend, or a Friend With Benefits?

Anyone who has been stuck in "the friend-zone” can relate to Biz Markie’s hit song “Just a Friend.”

When I asked, "Do ya have a man? " she tried to pretend

She said, "No I don't, I only have a friend"

Come on, I'm not even goin' for it. This is what I'm goin' sing

You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend

And you say he's just a friend, oh baby

In this lyrical scenario, the men are stuck in relational purgatory. One man is entrenched in the friend zone. He presumably desires a romantic relationship with the woman but is relegated to a platonic friendship instead. The other man seems to desire a committed romantic relationship but is being treated like a casual sexual partner – what popular culture often refers to as a “friend-with-benefits.”

Where is all this relationship misunderstanding coming from? Research suggests it may be due to differences in what traits people look for in a friend, a casual sexual partner, and a marriage partner.

To identify the characteristics people tend to look for in friends and lovers, psychologists Susan Sprecher and Pamela Regan surveyed 700 men and women. They asked participants to share their preferences for one of five possible relationship types: a casual sexual partner, a dating partner, a marriage partner, a same-sex friend, or an opposite-sex platonic friend.

Then the researchers had participants rate how much they preferred that each partner possess various traits, such as how physically attractive, intelligent, ambitious, warm and kind, expressive and open, exciting, or funny they were. Participants also rated how important it is that they find a partner with each trait.

Next, participants rated their preference for, and the importance they place in, a partner who shares a similar background (e.g., same race, religion, social class), values, and interests as themselves. Participants who shared their preferences for a casual sex, dating, or marriage partner also rated how important it was that a partner had sexual passion and prior sexual experience.

What People Look for in Friends

Findings revealed several traits that people generally desire in either a friend or a lover. For instance, a person who is warm, kind, expressive, open, and funny was highly preferred as a friend or as a casual sex, dating, or marriage partner. But the bar for how great of a person someone needs to be appears to be lower for friends, in general, than it is for lovers. People tended to be generally less picky about a friend’s warmth, kindness, intelligence, ambition, money or earning potential, and expressiveness than they are when considering a casual sex, dating, or marriage partner.

Interestingly, participants distinguished between the characteristics they look for in a same-sex versus opposite sex-friend. Even though both friendship types were said to be platonic, or non-romantic in nature, participants preferred that an opposite-sex friend have significantly more positive characteristics, such as ambition and intelligence. They also said it was much more important that opposite-sex friends be more physically attractive and higher social status than same-sex friends.

This suggests that opposite-sex friends who get stuck in the friend-zone may not always be relegated to a platonic friendship. Other studies reveal that romantic attraction is relatively common in cross-sex friendships. In fact, 66% of men and 46% of women agree that a friend can become a sexual partner. Another study reported that 30% of people have experienced sexual attraction towards a friend of the opposite sex.

What People Look for in Lovers

Findings from Sprecher and Regan’s study also showed that people look for different traits in romantic partners. In romantic or sexual relationships, participants desire high social status and physical attractiveness much more than they do in friendships.

It is important to note there were some differences in what people looked for in a casual sex partner versus a dating or marriage partner. In a casual sex partner, participants reported a greater desire for exciting personality traits. Physical attractiveness, for instance, was also rated as more important for a casual sexual partner than a dating or marriage partner. But sexual passion was rated as equally important for a casual sex, dating, or marriage partner.

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Interestingly, participants tended to largely look for similar personality traits in a casual sex partner – much like they do in a dating or marriage partner. Participants were also equally demanding of other characteristics in a casual sex, dating, or marriage partner, such as intelligence and high social status.