Can a Marriage Be Happy When a Wife’s Sexual Desire Dwindles?

In a previous post, I wrote about our findings on sexual desire over the early years of marriage. Every person, and every couple, are different, of course, but on average, the husband starts the marriage with a slightly higher level of desire than his wife. Over the first five years, the husband’s desire for sex remains about the same, while the wife’s declines steadily. Both husband’s and wife’s marital satisfaction decline in the wake of the wife’s loss of sexual desire, while the husband’s desire is irrelevant to either person’s satisfaction.

A happy marriage is good for individuals, couples, and society at large. I suspect the decline in marital happiness occurs because husband and wife blame themselves or each other for the drop in her sexual desire. Psychology could strengthen marriages if we could help people understand that the change in wifely desire for sex is not a sign that the marriage has problems, nor does it mean that either husband or wife is doing something wrong. It may be a problem, but it's a common one, and ideally, it is a problem the couple can solve as a couple. Different couples may settle on different solutions. Let’s review the main options.

In bygone decades, perhaps, many wives accepted that part of their role was to satisfy their husbands. “It’s a chore, like any other,” in my sister’s memorable phrase. A wife may talk herself into feeling like having sex. Some women make sure to masturbate as a way of keeping their own bodies interested in sex, especially when they think it would be good for sex to happen in the next couple of days.

But many women do not want to treat sex like a chore. Modern feminism has abolished a sense of obligation on the wife’s part to provide her husband with sex. They think the man should wait until a woman is ready. For some husbands, the wedding vow becomes a vow of chastity. In her book The Sex Diaries, which first approached this widespread pattern of wives losing interest in sex, Bettina Arndt noted the irony that many wives sincerely love their husbands but refuse on feminist principle to cater to the men’s sexual needs. The wife may expend considerable time and effort driving all over town to get just the right ingredients to cook him his favorite dinner, but she won’t give him sex except when she herself wants it.

Prospective bridegrooms should recognize the dilemma they will likely face within the first few years of marriage. They may think they have found a sexual soul mate, but the odds are heavy that that will soon change, and the daily course of marital life will find husbands wanting sex much more often than their wives. He should know that he cannot predict whether, or to what extent, the woman he loves will lose interest in sex. Some women lose more than others, but most lose it to some extent. Nor should he think he can rekindle her desire by changing his behavior, despite the many prescriptions to buy her more flowers or jewelry, pay her more compliments, or (a perennial) do more housework. If anything, his doing more housework may make it worse.

Wives deserve sympathy. A woman herself may have desired and enjoyed sex abundantly during the early months of intense passion, happily engaging in sex nearly every morning and evening with her man. She may be reluctant to acknowledge that she has changed, and so even discussing it with her husband is fraught with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. She may think the change is just temporary, perhaps due to stress. If the couple quickly has a child, then caring for children takes precedence over sex, and she may think her husband immature or even unreasonable for wanting sex frequently. Still, her loss of sexual desire is something that surprises her and leaves her with the dilemma of how to deal with her husband’s undiminished desires.

So a second option is that the man can simply live without sex most of the time, as some think a dutiful husband should. If this is to be the solution, the man should prepare in advance. Many young people, perhaps men in particular, entertain unrealistic expectations about how much sex they will have during marriage.

Perhaps his wife will encourage him to masturbate, possibly with the help of pornography. Some wives disapprove strongly of that, though, so it would be best to have an understanding established before marriage. But if she approves, the middle-aged husband can resume more or less what his life was like during the many dry spells of adolescence: fantasizing or watching pornography and masturbating. If both husband and wife are satisfied with that, it may be a great solution.

Indeed, a particularly loving but low-desire wife might consent to assist him occasionally, helping him reach orgasm after he has stimulated himself to arousal. She may enjoy this, too, especially since it may only involve a few minutes of manual or oral stimulation on her part, so she does not have to engage her whole body as in intercourse. And even if she regards it as a chore, it is likely to be a brief one.

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Other alternatives include the husband having sex with someone else: a professional (e.g., paying a prostitute for sex), or an amateur (occasional one-time flings, or ongoing affairs). Many husbands throughout history have found sexual satisfaction in such ways. These raise various difficulties, of course, as the historical record also shows. The risk of sexually transmitted diseases is presumably higher, as well as the risk that a husband will fall in love and leave his wife.

The only option that minimizes both risks would be a sex robot, which is not yet available but perhaps on the horizon. Ironically, though, the very idea of sex robots has already met with harsh feminist objections, even though it may be the sexually disinclined wife’s best option for keeping her husband satisfied. Sex robots could completely prevent the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies. And it is hard to imagine a husband abandoning his wife to run off with a robot.

Indeed, whether a man can find long-term satisfaction with a sex robot is one of the intriguing questions of the next half-century. If so, then perhaps men can begin making marital decisions as wisely as women do, or at least without having their minds clouded by sexual desire.

The problem is not a new one, and most marriages have probably dealt with it using some combination of these strategies. If couples know this in advance, they can perhaps make wiser and mutually more satisfying decisions — and maybe even reduce any damage to the relationship.