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People thrive when they have a mix of new and novel experiences combined with steadfast foundations like a home, family, routines, and traditions. If novelty is like the surprise sweeping winds that stir the ocean’s waves or dance with a kite in the sky, then foundations provide the gravitational conditions that sustain the atmosphere. They are a balm to the soul and food for the body.
Take note that the most exponential growth occurs as the fetus forms in the security of the mother’s womb. The heart is the first organ formed with the limbs, extremities, and nails formed last. The baby then depends on its mother for a year after birth as she acts as an incubator, helping to shape the baby’s nervous system responses with essential neurochemicals along with its overall biopsychosocial development.
Lifespan developmentalists articulate this first year of life as the stage responsible for developing trust versus mistrust, suggesting that an infant who has their needs adequately met tends to develop emotional security and the ability to form a healthy trust-bond, whereas an infant who is neglected, abused, and/or experiences threats to its health tends to develop emotion regulation challenges and arm themselves with a perpetually guarded and mistrustful perspective and/or an array of neurochemical deficiencies that can result in anxiety, depression, bipolar, and addiction risks among others.
To illustrate the power of nervous system regulation, hug a child who is shaking and watch them stop afterward. The same is true for an adult. Have you ever noticed a person fidgeting, pacing, rocking, and/or feeling tense? A hug from a trusted loved one generally soothes the person immediately. A deep hug can create a release and it can feel like the person has melted in your arms. This is what an infant must have and something humans never outgrow. We need each other and can form the very foundational touchstones of love and health in each other’s lives. It illustrates why leading relationship psychologist John Gottman recommends couples hug each other no less than six seconds upon seeing and saying goodbye to each other as it nourishes their bond. It also explains why healthy marriages lead to longer and healthier lives with a higher quality of life ratings.
If you are alone, heartbroken, grieving the loss and/or death of a loved one, and/or completely isolated and now feeling deflated and in despair after reading the preceding paragraph, I can relate and genuinely understand and am sending you virtual hugs and genuine care coupled with some messages of hope.
While the people in your life may be gone (or maybe they are right there with you), you can increase feelings of emotional security through cherished routines and traditions. Some people have a dedicated prayer and meditation time that helps them to feel anchored, replenished and divinely connected to a loving Creator. Additional routines may include work, exercise, reading news, checking emails and social media, making one’s bed, and eating meals. It can also extend into shopping habits, walking a certain path, checking the mailbox, eating at a restaurant with a favorite table, reading a book under a special tree, having Sunday family dinners, etc. These routines provide stability, comfort and can act as hugs to a distressed nervous system.
Similarly, traditions like holiday celebrations, while sometimes triggering, also form deep essential trust bonds as they constitute a sense of continuity in life, represent familial connection and fill each person’s vital need for a sense of belonging. In a world where divorce is rampant, conflict abundant, uncertainty the norm, death tolls regularly tallied, and social distancing the solution for one’s safety, holiday traditions may be more valuable than you realize.
It could be tempting to avoid a tradition altogether, however, what if you try embracing it? Even if you don’t cook all the meals as you have in the past, you could take the time to write about it. List the traditions your family celebrated and why. Then try writing out what makes you grateful for each one. Is it the smell? The taste of a food? The laughter? What favorite memories do you have? What lessons have you learned from them? Is there a way you can share these essentials with others who may not know them? What new traditions would you like to initiate?
Something magical happens when you approach your traditions with these types of reflective questions. Creativity flourishes. Discovery sets in. New thing reveals themselves as crystallization stirs new revelations. It can be an alchemical experience where the windblown surf meets the steadfast turf.
Heartfelt wishes and healing hugs to you and all your loved ones this holiday season.
