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When an adult child decides to estrange himself from his parents, the parents are often pierced to the core. “How can he treat us this way?” they wonder. "Doesn't he have any empathy?"
This isn’t a post about how or why people can become estranged from family. It’s about how family members make sense of the rejection. Typically, they find it painful, and they wonder why the estranger seems so willing to hurt them, when they never meant to hurt him.
“Hanlon’s Razor,” a phrase inspired by Occam’s Razor, is a way of explaining other people’s behavior. Variations occur, but the most often repeated version is, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
The real value of Hanlon’s Razor lies in the first part: “Never attribute to malice…” Many, many factors influence human behavior: Fear, carelessness, pain and defensiveness are just a few examples. Any of these can motivate self-protective or neglectful behavior that others find hurtful.
In the case of parent-adult child estrangement, research indicates that adult children who are estranged do so for one basic reason: Self-protection. There’s something about the relationship that feels hurtful to the child.
Parents Wounded by Rejection
The rejected parents I work with find this idea horrifying. The thought that they hurt their child enough to trigger estrangement devastates them. Even those who are mystified as to why the problems led to estrangement feel regret, remorse, and a deep sadness.
While some parents sadly lack the strength to examine their own behavior toward their child(ren), the parents I talk to are committed to learning, growing, and making repairs.
But regardless of their approach, parents often feel wounded by their child’s apparent hostility. Estrangement feels like a weapon their child is using to hurt them.
For those who never meant to hurt their children, and can’t imagine what was bad enough about the relationship to merit prolonged rejection, estrangement seems unwarranted. Their child’s behavior feels unnecessarily spiteful. They can’t understand why the child “wants to hurt them,” instead of talking it out.
These are the parents who can benefit most from understanding Hanlon’s Razor.
It's Not on Purpose
It’s certainly not stupidity driving your child’s estrangement, but neither is it malice. Estranged adult children are not out to hurt anyone. They’re attempting to protect themselves, and their parents’ pain is collateral damage.
Yes, it hurts to be rejected by your own child. But no, your child isn’t doing it to hurt you.
Whenever someone does anything hurtful, try to fill in the end of Hanlon’s Razor with an attribute that makes sense. “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by …" In the case of parent-adult child estrangement, consider attributing your child’s behavior to self-protection. That may cause you a different kind of pain. But it will also give you your power back.
If your child feels the need to insulate herself from the relationship, what can you do about that?
