How to Build Strong Relationships With Neurodivergent People

Recent years have seen a growing recognition of neurodiversity in the workplace. Neurodiversity is no longer seen as an illness but as a different way of functioning, one that needs understanding and consideration but also offers opportunity.

A previous post discussed how neurodiverse people may engage in conversations in a different way and interrupt more frequently. Strong relationships with neurodiverse people may be critical in your role, and there’s no reason why they can’t be developed. If you are neurotypical, you may need to bring a little more empathy and understanding into the way you build such relationships.

Source: Samantha Hiew / Used with permission

Samantha Hiew, Ph.D., is a scientist and award-winning social entrepreneur who founded ADHD Girls and is herself an ADHDer who identifies with being an autistic, dyspraxic, and Touretter. Hiew accepts that there are challenges in building relationships with neurodivergent individuals but that they shouldn’t get in the way of developing a strong connection.

“Many of us may struggle with social anxiety or have difficulty trusting others due to past experiences," explains Hiew. "Our experience of neurodivergence can often feel like existing on the extreme ends of the spectrum, where we may be hyperaware, especially if we are used to being disappointed.

“First impressions become particularly important, as they can impact how we feel about a person and whether we feel safe with them. For those with undiagnosed neurodivergence with resulting mental health challenges, it can be even more difficult to trust others and form meaningful connections. This is why it is crucial to approach relationships with patience, understanding, and empathy.”

The Importance of Trust

Trust is central to relationships, but particularly so for neurodivergents. Building relationships over time, where trust is earned and strengthened, often leads to more meaningful and long-lasting collaborations.

“Trust forms the foundation of safety and security, allowing us to feel comfortable being ourselves and expressing our thoughts and feelings," says Hiew. "When there is trust, we can be honest and transparent about our neurodiverse experiences, including any traumas we may have faced. This level of trust is essential because it helps establish long-term stability in our relationships.

“It's important for neurotypical individuals to understand that building trust takes time and effort, but the rewards are immeasurable in terms of fostering a supportive and understanding connection."

Building trust with neurodivergents, particularly those who have experienced trauma, requires honesty and transparency," Hiew explains. "Being open and authentic in communication helps create a safe and trusting environment.

It is also important to consider the specific needs and communication preferences of the neurodivergent individual and make accommodations accordingly.

Being Inclusive

In a professional setting, neurodivergents may face additional challenges interacting with colleagues, and leaders need to find ways to allow them to weigh in to discussions fully and feel safe doing so. Hiew says, “Many of us have different ways of contributing, especially those with ADHD or autism. However, these contributions may come with the struggle of finding the right time to speak up and be heard.

“To accommodate our needs, setting a predetermined order of speaking during group discussions can help alleviate anxiety and create a structured environment. Moreover, providing alternative communication methods, such as typing instead of speaking, can be a valuable accommodation for neurodivergents who are either nonverbal or find themselves being nonverbal due to situational mutism, often caused by anxiety. Closed captions can also be beneficial, especially in virtual settings, for better accessibility.

"Overall, it's important to recognize and value the perspectives and contributions of neurodivergents. By creating an inclusive work culture that considers and supports our unique needs, we can foster better relationships and collaboration."

Thoughtful Feedback

As well as considering how to include and involve neurodivergent team members, leaders also need to be thoughtful about how they give feedback and criticism to them. Feedback can trigger an emotional response, creating conflict and defensiveness as well as damaging relationships.

“It is important to remind them about the great things they do," says Hiew. Many neurodivergents suffer from years of debilitatingly low self-esteem due to receiving so much negative messaging about themselves. By the age of ten, a child with ADHD would have heard 20,000 negative messages.

“Compliments need to be genuine, too, as we’re very good at sniffing out dishonesty. But, when it’s true, it can create a positive zing of energy and boost to self-esteem via a phenomenon known as recognition responsive euphoria.”

Relationships Essential Reads

How to Protect Your Relationship With the '80/20 Principle'

How to Make Relationship Conflicts Feel Less Overwhelming

Hiew suggests four key steps to delivering feedback in a positive, constructive way:

1. Validate: Start by acknowledging the person's emotions and experiences. Let them know that their feelings are valid and understood.
2. Understand: Take the time to understand the situation from the other person's perspective. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see things from their point of view.
3. Support: Offer support and show empathy towards the person. Let them know that you are there for them and that they have your support.
4. Instil a sense of belonging: Ask for their feedback on how they could do better. Co-create a solution.

Connecting with Humor

Finally, despite some of the representations of neurodivergents in popular culture (think Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory), humor can still be a means of connecting. But you still need to consider your approach.

“If it has a context, whether it's popular culture or something that has jargon, sarcasm, and euphemism, it's going to be really hard for autistics to understand," Hiew observes. "So, we might be lost in it; we might not be able to understand what it means unless it's a universal human experience. That tends to be the type of humor I tell because it doesn't require you to have a background story.

“It might take somebody a long time to understand; it might be lost on them. But, it's generally good to be yourself. People like that. If you are genuine and authentic, we can feel it.”