5 Ways to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Love

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Relentless jealousy drove Leanne into therapy late last year. She was depressed and overwhelmed at the romantic wreckage in her life. “Every relationship I’ve had has ended because I couldn’t control my jealousy,” she said. “No matter who the guy was or how trustworthy he seemed, I couldn’t keep from checking his phone, grilling him about former girlfriends or current female friends or co-workers. I snooped through his desk drawers. Sometimes I found incriminating evidence—two of my exes were, in fact, cheaters—but others weren’t and got sick of my obsessing about imagined infidelities. They’re all in the past now. I want to trust more—but how?”

Why Does Jealousy Happen?

Relationship-threatening jealousy can happen for a variety of reasons. Insecurity is a major factor. “I couldn’t believe that a man as handsome and accomplished as Brad was could possibly be attracted to me,” a client I’ll call Carolyn told me. “I thought it was just a matter of time until he found someone better. I was always scared he’d leave me. And he did. Not for someone else but because he was sick of my lack of trust in him.”

Lifelong attachment issues can be another. For example, those who grew up with an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver that caused them to be highly anxious seek constant reassurance and closeness with a romantic partner, perhaps more closeness than is comfortable for the partner. Those with anxious attachment styles can have a lower threshold for detecting possible threats. They may worry over platonic friends or about events that seem minor to others. They show strong negative reactions to any conflict or times of distance in a relationship.

There are times when family-of-origin behavior patterns haunt current relationships. “My dad cheated on my mom constantly when I was growing up,” a client I’ll call Jasmine told me recently. “As much as I don’t want to be bitter and suspicious like my mom, I find myself constantly checking up on my boyfriend. He says he’s totally faithful to me. I’d like to believe that. But I have this knee-jerk jealous reaction if he so much as looks at another woman.”

Sometimes jealousy can be a toxic byproduct of abusive behavior. The abuser controls his or her partner by jealous reactions to innocuous relationships or events, eventually isolating him or her from friends and family. Too often, such strong jealousy may be misinterpreted, at least initially, as a sign of love.

Some studies have shown that there can be gender differences in jealousy triggers. Men may react with jealousy at a real or perceived sexual infidelity. Women’s jealousy is often triggered by real or perceived emotional infidelity (since many women tend to believe that men can have sex without being in love, but emotional connections can feel much more threatening.)

“My husband and I have fought over this for several years,” my friend Cynthia, married to Dan for nearly 30 years, told me recently. “He had a female co-worker who was about 15 years younger and who would occasionally travel to work sites with him. They became close friends, and he bought her a birthday present once. It wasn’t a major, expensive gift. But I felt like he was cheating by giving her a gift at all or listening as she confided in him. It really felt like an affair to me, even though Dan has always insisted that nothing physical happened between them. I can’t stop thinking about their closeness and feeling horrible about it. Dan thinks this is just crazy and can’t understand why I can’t get over it, especially now that she has married and moved away.”

Jealousy can interfere with the trust that is so critical to a growing, enduring relationship.

What Can You Do?

What can you do if jealousy is coming between you and someone you love?

1. Talk with each other. Explore what triggers your jealousy and/or his. Share feelings about your differing life experiences, realities, and attachment styles. Are your jealous feelings coming from insecurity because of an anxious or insecure attachment to your parents? Do you feel—or does he or she feel—that when two people love each other, they should be everything to each other, excluding all others? Does he/she or do you feel threatened by your partner’s platonic opposite-sex friends? Or is your jealousy coming from the fact that he or she seems to spend more time with or confide in friends more than with you, leaving you feeling left out and overlooked? Sharing your differing perspectives and coming to understand your own and your partner’s vulnerabilities can help you to resolve some jealousy issues—or to identify what might be irreconcilable differences.
2. Cool it with the detective work. Even very close relationships need boundaries. Don’t check his phone or go through his desk drawers or track his or her every movement on your phone. If you’re feeling anxious or insecure, talk with your partner. And if you feel you can’t trust him or her, sleuthing isn’t likely to solve what ails your relationship.
3. Be cautious about making assumptions or demands. Take a deep breath and think before making accusations based on assumptions. Be careful about demanding difficult choices of your partner. You might express feelings of discomfort, but you can’t control another’s action by making demands that he or she sever ties with friends you fear are romantic rivals.
4. Realize that jealousy takes many forms and can derail a variety of relationships. Envy of a friend can be a relationship killer, too. You may find yourself distancing from or being critical of a friend you’ve come to envy. If the tables were turned, what would you like to have happen? Can you offer your friend the same emotional generosity you would like from him or her? One of the major signs of a healthy, loving relationship is celebrating a friend’s or lover's triumphs as readily as you sympathize with his or her setbacks.
5. Focus on your own reasons to live in gratitude. This may mean celebrating a close friendship or romantic relationship by focusing on the positive rather than anticipating betrayal and disappointment. This can mean rejoicing in the moment, enjoying the closeness you feel today without letting the fear of loss interfere. It can mean taking a leap of faith to trust another.

Havelock Ellis once described jealousy as “that dragon that slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.” Taking the risk of trusting another can keep your love very much alive.