Who Is Family and Why Does It Matter?

I am writing this during a particularly contentious political time in the United States. I have been struck by loud and painful disagreements about what a family is and who should be counted as a family (and not). It is easy to dismiss mean-spirited communication and arguments over the American family as “just politics.” However, who is regarded and “counts” as family is a foundational question we all face as citizens, community members, and family members ourselves.

Meanings of Family

Let me ask you—what does family mean to you? Take a minute to write down your own definition of a family. If you compare your definition of a family with others, likely you would find similarities. However, you might also see that there are ways that your definition of family may be different than others. For instance, would your definition of family include:

• A person who is not a blood or legal relative
• Romantic partners who are cohabiting and unmarried
• The adopted child of LGBTQ parents
• Children who were once stepsiblings after the remarried couple divorces
• A married couple without children
• A brother or sister who married outside the family’s religious faith
• A beloved family dog or cat

You might be surprised to learn how others respond to these different family types. In fact, you might be surprised at how you respond to these different family types. What would be your reasoning for including a particular family type or leaving them out? Defining who is and is not family is foundational to your identity, communication, and how you live your life.

It is not unusual to hear for calls to return to “traditional” family values. Perhaps family scholar Stephanie Coontz put it best in her book, The Way We Never Were. She stressed that an idealized view of the “American family” we should return to never existed in the first place. Not surprisingly, the same arguments are going on in other countries and cultures.

In reality, there are multiple ways to be a family. It is easy to see those with biological ties (blood, birth) or legal ties (marriage, adoption) as family. However, this would leave out many of the relationships listed above. Private and public debates over what is a legitimate family has the potential to rob certain families of acceptance and support and can put them in danger as well.

In addition to our own personal reasons for defining family, there are also practical and policy-related issues to consider. For instance, after the September 11, 2001 destruction of New York’s World Trade Center and other sites, who should have been counted as family of those who perished and given financial support? Who should be regarded as family and allowed to visit someone in hospice or a nursing home? Who should be invited to a family wedding? Who is entitled to receive a gift during a family holiday celebration? How we interact with, show empathy for, and treat families are important life choices.

Defining Family

I am one of the current authors of the original family communication textbook. We use a broad and inclusive definition of family as “networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time, bound by ties of marriage, blood, law, or commitment, legal or otherwise, who consider themselves as family, and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning as a family” (Braithwaite et al, 2025).

This definition highlights our belief that families (in their various forms) share characteristics in common and are most often much more similar than they are different. In the end, we are guided by a simple principle: If people consider themselves to be a family and they function as a family, then they are a family. If everything is considered family, then the concept would not be very meaningful or useful. That is why we stress families as both created in commitment and existing over time. While families can be happy and supportive, we need to remember that families may be troubled or estranged (Soliz & Warner Colaner 2020).

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As part of navigating life’s many challenges, finding and being welcomed as family is one of our most central needs and a gift we can offer to others. We also take comfort in knowing there is no one way to be a family. This knowledge helps us understand and appreciate families in all their breadth and richness as they develop and change over the course of our lives. Rather than put up roadblocks, we all have an opportunity to benefit, learn from, and support families among our neighbours, community members, and among our own household and extended family.