When Does a Partner's Behavior Become Cheating?

Source: Budgeron Bach, courtesy Pexels

Most people in monogamous relationships agree that certain behaviors constitute cheating, such as kissing someone else. But people often differ in their reactions to more mundane and minor events. Is it cheating to buy a lavish gift for someone other than your partner? Is it cheating to spend hours on the phone with someone else? New research by Sara Salavati and Susan Boon, just published in Personal Relationships, explores how the context of these minor transgressions affects whether or not they're perceived as cheating.

In the new study, the researchers asked participants to evaluate multiple hypothetical scenarios involving a dating couple, where one member of the couple was directly messaging a third party on social media. By itself, this is a mundane behavior. It is also a behavior that could indicate cheating or intentions to cheat. Or the behavior could be completely innocuous. This made it an excellent test case for the research.

In each scenario presented to participants, the researchers varied different aspects of the context. In total, there were 24 different scenarios representing every possible combination of the three contextual factors below:

• Secrecy: The partner engaging in the act tries to hide it or does not try to hide it.
• Frequency: The messages happen once a week, a couple of times a week, once a day, or a couple of times a day.
• The victim's familiarity with the potential rival: The victim knows the rival not at all, moderately, or very well.

For each scenario, participants rated the extent to which they felt the messaging behavior constituted cheating, or reflected an intention to cheat, and the extent to which they would be emotionally distressed or willing to break up with their partner, if their partner engaged in this type of behavior.

Overall, most participants didn't think the messaging constituted cheating. On a seven-point scale rating their agreement with the statement that this behavior was cheating, the average rating was around 2 out of 7. And for whether or not the behavior indicated an intention to cheat, the average rating was about 2.5 out of 7. However, these ratings were highly dependent on the three contextual factors the researchers varied in the scenarios: secrecy, frequency, and familiarity.

All three contextual factors increased participants' likelihood of interpreting the behavior as cheating, but secrecy was by far the most important factor. This makes sense because your partner's highly frequent communication with someone you don't know well could just be a platonic friendship. It's the deliberate secrecy that makes it seem like there is something suspicious to hide. In addition, the secrecy itself is a violation of the relationship, which could reduce trust more generally, leading to greater suspicions of possible infidelity. Frequency was also a somewhat important factor, and more important than familiarity. Highly frequent contact with a rival suggests a level of intimacy that could lead to cheating.

The effects of these factors also tended to compound one another in interesting ways. For example, highly frequent contact was considered to be especially distressing if it was combined with secrecy. Deliberating trying to hide frequent contact was perceived as a huge red flag.

Familiarity and secrecy also combined to affect people's reactions to the scenarios. When there was no effort to hide the contact, the more familiar the victim was with the potential rival, the less distressed they were about the behavior. However, when the partner was trying to hide the interactions, both rivals that the victim knew well and rivals they didn't know at all were especially threatening. One reason for this is that normally, if the rival is someone you know, you trust them. If the interaction is out in the open, there is no reason to worry. But if the rival is someone you know and your partner is hiding the fact that they've been messaging, that is particularly troubling. It may even be seen as a betrayal by both the partner and the rival, who had been considered a friend to the couple.

This research only examined factors that make people suspect that cheating is occurring. Whether or not cheating is actually occurring is another matter. However, this research does lend insight into how partners can prevent each other from having unwarranted suspicions of infidelity. For example, hiding an innocuous behavior could suddenly make it seem suspect, especially if it involves frequent contact. Failing to mention having had extended contact with someone your partner knows may make that interaction look suspicious. Overall, more openness about your interactions with others can help stem suspicions of infidelity.

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