9 Steps for Successfully Managing Conflict with a Narcissist

When conflict arises, the stage is set for problem-solving, compromise, and understanding. But if that conflict is with a “full-blown” narcissist—meaning someone who meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD—the standard strategies for conflict resolution are largely off the table.

Recent research confirms what clinicians already knew about narcissists on teams; narcissistic members tend to be less cooperative and more competitive when dealing with conflict. Put simply, narcissists are out for themselves, prone to conflict, and difficult to work with.

Why Is This the Case?

People with clinical levels of narcissism, by and large, do not actually have the ability to negotiate, cooperate, collaborate, back down, take responsibility, accept fault, or attend to others outside of themselves. Because of this, the traditional strategies—reflective listening, cooperation, collaboration, mutuality, perspective sharing, compromise, and understanding—are not only unworkable but are also potentially explosive.

Convinced that they are always right, easily offended, unwilling to change, lacking in empathy, unaware of their own pathology, prone to manipulation, needing to win, unable to tolerate criticism, needing to be treated as superior and more talented than all others, narcissists make formidable foes. Lacking empathy, narcissists are unconcerned with others’ feelings. Understanding the world in only black-and-white terms, they are unable to comprehend that you might have kind feelings toward them or be well-intentioned at the same time that you express criticism or correction.

If you cross or slight someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you can expect defensiveness, insults, threats, aggression, shouting, lying, gaslighting, humiliation, and even violence. Narcissistic tactics serve to promote their own position and force others into compliance. In the process, they assert their relative superiority (perceived or real) in the relationship and larger world and communicate your inferior status.

So, if standard approaches don't work to resolve conflict with a narcissist, what does?

My book, Childhood Narcissism, explains how narcissists become narcissists and delineates their limitations and needs. Although narcissistic tendencies and traits can be treated in childhood, once an adult has developed a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), their fully developed condition proves extremely difficult, if not impossible, to treat. This means that if you are forced to work with someone who has this disorder, or if you’re unfortunate enough to have someone with this condition in your family, special strategies are necessary to help you manage “conflict:” a unique combination of avoiding, accommodating, and sucking up.

5 Avoiding and Accommodating Strategies to Navigate Narcissistic Sensitivities

1. Do not blame the narcissist.

The narcissist needs to be right and cannot tolerate being wrong.

“I didn't leave the milk out. You must have done that.”

“I would never say anything unfeeling like that. You just made it up.”

“George must have made that decision. I would not have done it—ever.”

They tend to externalize blame whenever a problem presents itself, allowing them to retain an unrealistic sense of being perfect and special, a strategy that supports their flawed self-concept.

2. Do not argue with a narcissist over the facts.

Narcissists tend to see the world in terms of good/bad, conceptually. Arguing about who was right and who was wrong in any given exchange is a dead-end street. Their fragile self-concept cannot tolerate the possibility of flaws, and, for this reason, they will fight to keep blame off of them.

3. Do not challenge the narcissist’s perspective.

Narcissists have no appreciation for another’s alternate view. In their mind’s eye, anything other than what they “see” is simply wrong. They are not open to a conversation that presents alternative perspectives. They experience this as challenging and insulting and will always take offense.

4. Do not respond to the narcissist’s insults and hurtful language.

Because narcissists are unaware of their impact on other people, they often say provocative things. Sometimes this grows out of their simple lack of awareness. At other times, it serves to belittle or demean the other person and thereby assert their dominance. At still other times, it is a tactic intended to get their way and force obedience or compliance. Whatever the origin, it is important to remain emotionally disengaged.

5. Do not justify your behavior or actions.

Explaining your side of the story is generally perceived as an attack on the narcissist. Letting their words stand and refusing to justify what you said or did is preferable. If you must intervene, calmly state that you “see it differently” without demanding the narcissist’s acceptance.

4 "Sucking-Up" Strategies to Cater to Narcissists' Needs

1. Try to empathize with their feelings.

Narcissists are comforted when someone recognizes their feelings and appreciates their position. They seek friends who align with their perspective and give in to their desires. Understanding their feelings builds positive regard for you.

2. Compliment the narcissist for their actual skills and talents.

Narcissists are hungry for affirmation. Because, at their core, they suffer from a low self-concept, they cannot hold on to good feelings about themselves for very long and are demanding of ongoing compliments and affirmations. Recognizing their talents and special qualities is an effective way to build a connection with a narcissist.

3. Engage in pleasant joint activities.

Just like anyone else, narcissists enjoy joint activities and want to share their positive qualities. Desirous of applause and celebration, they like to show off their talents, give advice, and demonstrate their special skills. Finding situations where they can be recognized builds a bond with them.

4. Resort to safe subjects.

Having a list of non-inflammatory “safe subjects” interesting to the narcissist is a good plan. Conversation can be re-directed here when tensions arise or threatening topics appear.

The Unique Challenge of Dealing with Narcissists

Note that strategies to manage a narcissist are not necessarily desirable strategies for healthy relationships.

Learning to manage a narcissist means developing strategies that de-escalate the conflict, reduce the likelihood of retaliatory mistreatment, and build as-stable-as-can-be bonds with a demanding, emotionally limited person. Whether such strategies are viable in a long-term relationship is a different question and is well beyond the scope of this article. The strategies offered here do not encourage change in the narcissist but rather serve to mitigate and manage their psychopathology in ways that are least disruptive to the organization, family system, or relationship.

What to Do When You Must Address a Conflict More Directly

If you must address a problem situation more directly with a narcissist, these are strategies that should guide your behavior and are least likely to set them off:

• Raise the conflict issues thoughtfully and kindly without blame.
• Share warmth and concern, not anger or upset.
• Engage in active listening.
• Show empathy.
• Do not shame or place blame.
• Recognize and appreciate their true talents and skills.
• Acknowledge your part in the problem (i.e., take responsibility).
• Accept criticism of yourself.
• Appreciate their positive contribution if possible.
• Understand their feelings based on their perspective.
• Do not insist on winning.
• Demonstrate a capacity for compromise.
• Help find the middle ground.

Tactics designed to deal with a narcissist are not built on mutuality and never involve notions of fairness or reciprocity. For example, while being assertive is a positive skill and openness is a desirable communication style, assertiveness and honesty with a narcissist run the risk of being disruptive and stimulating a counterattack.

These strategies are not intended to represent strategies for growing healthy relationships. Instead, they are intended to simply work around the narcissist’s limitations and will help you avoid provoking them unnecessarily. Learning to manage narcissists as effectively as possible can help reduce your stress and give you back a measure of control in an otherwise unhealthy relationship.