Forgiveness: The Limits and Boundaries

Self-Forgiveness

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Nora came into the session feeling angry and wanting to talk about a conversation she had with her mother. During Sunday brunch, Nora’s mother asked her “if she would consider forgiving Leo.” She said, “You are 26 years old now and Leo is 32. The abuse happened a long time ago and although what Leo had done was wrong, he was young and was going through a difficult period in his life.” Nora’s mother continued "'IT' happened years ago, and you and your cousin Leo are now adults. It’s time to move on.” Her mother suggested that Nora should consider forgiving and reconciling with her cousin so the family could be together for holidays and family events. Her mother stated that she missed the gatherings with extended family and asked Nora if she did too.

Nora said she sat at the table frozen. She felt her body constrict as she tried to contain the surge of emotions that arose when her mother suggested that she forgive her cousin. Nora believed that her mother wanted her to disregard the pain he caused and act like it never happened — to forgive and forget. Nora exclaimed, “They want me to move on so we can have a veneer of a ‘happy extended family’ spending time together and enjoying each other’s company. I think it is unfair that he abused me and now my mother is insinuating that I am responsible for the split in the family, and she is asking me to play the role of the martyr and forgive him!”

Nora brought in an article on forgiveness that her mother gave her to read. I noticed that the article was carefully highlighted to feature the benefits associated with forgiveness including decreasing stress, improving mental health, life satisfaction, and physical and emotional well-being.

Nora discussed her outrage and the sense of betrayal she experienced towards her mother’s suggestion of reconciliation. “Why should I forgive Leo when he shows no remorse for his actions? He has never even apologized or acknowledged the pain he caused me. Neither has his mother, although she knows what he did to me. I do not want revenge, or for him to suffer, I just do not want him near me or my daughter. I cannot believe I am being asked to go to family events and to expose my daughter to him! I read the article my mother highlighted, and I get that forgiveness can help people heal and move forward after a trauma. However, I cannot deny my feelings or pretend that the abuse did not impact my life.”

Nora shared that when Leo was 16 his father left the family, and his mother (Nora’s aunt) became extremely depressed. To be supportive, Nora’s mother took Leo into their home to live with them. It was during this time that Leo sexually abused Nora, who was 10 years old. Nora said, “We played, and we went for bicycle rides together. I admired and looked up to Leo. I loved him. Which just increased the confusion and betrayal I felt. For many years I blamed myself because I did not tell anyone and never tried to stop him. I realize now that I was a child, innocent, and too young to give consent. I know now that I have no reason to feel guilt or shame, but at some level I still blame myself, and hold a lot of resentment towards him. At this point in my life, I have no interest in repairing a relationship with a person who shows no remorse and has no insight into the pain he caused me. I do not feel capable or have any desire to replace my feelings of anger towards Leo with feelings of compassion and understanding.”

I let Nora know that she should not be pressured by others to forgive because they think that it is in her best interest, for her own good, or the good of others. Only she can decide when and if she is ready to forgive. I suggested that maybe her journey of forgiveness can start with Little Nora, her 10-year-old self who still holds shame, guilt, and a sense of responsibility. Nora started to cry.

During our session, we began to explore the purpose of forgiveness and Nora’s resistance. The goal of exploring her resistance toward forgiving Leo was not about Leo. Instead, the intention was to open a path to unravelling the depth of Nora’s wounds so she could gain understanding and give words to her inner experience.

As we explored her blocks towards forgiveness, Nora exclaimed, “I never want to forgive and forget!” She said that she does not want to let down her defenses and be vulnerable again. She equates vulnerability with being at risk of being re-victimized. In other words, holding on to her resentment and anger serves a protective function. It keeps her alert to signs of potential abuse. It helps her maintain a defensive stance that protects her and more importantly, her four-year-old daughter.

It was clear that Nora did not want to take her mother’s advice and she had no desire to forgive her cousin and renew a relationship with him. The thought of reconciliation brought her fear and a sense of overwhelm. Nora wanted freedom from the emotional overwhelm, the chronic negative thoughts, and the guilt she experienced. Nora and I negotiated a balance between finding peace through forgiveness of her abuser and holding on to her pain and anger. For Nora, this begins with realizing that she cannot change the past, but she can let go of its tight grip and move forward. Paradoxically, this starts with embracing the hurt and giving it the space, time, and attention it has been yearning for. Compassion needs to be shown towards the 10-year-old girl who was confused, with no place to go for safety and protection. The little girl who got hurt needs to be recognized and forgiven. Self-forgiveness will help Nora renegotiate a relationship with herself and replace self-condemnation with understanding and self-compassion.