Celebrating Mother's Day When Your Mom Is Gone

This Sunday, millions of Americans will show their gratitude for their mothers with fragrant bouquets, Hallmark cards (because an e-card just won’t suffice), and celebratory brunches—even if held over Zoom rather than at Mom’s favorite cafe.

Mother’s Day, proclaimed a holiday by President Woodrow Wilson on May 9, 1914, is when we honor and celebrate the women who have supported, scolded, nurtured, and loved us. But for many, Mother’s Day is bittersweet, marked by fading memories of what Mom was like before she died, or musings about what “could have been” if our mothers were still alive today.

For young and middle-aged adults, losing a mother is an exception rather than the rule. We’re roughly twice as likely to have lost a father as a mother. While motherless adults are relatively few, their experiences vary dramatically.

Over the past three months, many have lost their mothers to COVID-19, and are devastated by the fact that they couldn’t be together during Mom’s final days. Some have lost their mothers suddenly and unexpectedly to a brain aneurysm, stroke, car accident, or even more tragically, to suicide or murder.

For most, though, the death came at the end of a long struggle with chronic illness. Some watched their mothers valiantly struggle with the painful side effects of chemotherapy before succumbing to cancer. Some lost their “real” mothers months if not years prior to her death, as they watched their Mom’s wit, intelligence, or eloquence fade with the onset of Alzheimer’s. Others, still, watched their mothers fight for every breath as they staggered through the final stages of lung disease.

Whether a mother’s death came suddenly (and surprisingly) or slowly (and expectedly), it’s never easy, although with time the sadness fades. Still, on Mother’s Day, pangs of bittersweet nostalgia can re-emerge, especially if your Facebook feed is filled with photos of friends’ Zoom parties or live cookouts with Mom happily sitting a respectable six feet away from the family members who love her.

So, how do you survive Mother’s Day, when your mom is no longer around?

Appreciate those things in life that would make your mom happy (and fix those things that wouldn’t).

Parents want their children to be happy and safe, even if they’re no longer around to check up on us. Mother’s Day can be a time to take stock of all the things in your life that would make your mom happy—your loving marriage, satisfying career, or healthy children. Knowing that Mom would be happy with our choices can be a source of solace and peace.

At the same time, recognizing what’s going poorly might trigger us to make changes. How would your mom react if she knew that you tolerated an unkind romantic partner or a miserable boss? Or if she worried aloud that you were looking frail or anxious due to your round-the-clock work schedule? Feeling that your mom still has your back and “hearing” her words of wisdom may trigger healthy and necessary changes.

Cherish your siblings: Your mom would be pleased.

The one thing I’ve learned as both a bereavement researcher and as an adult whose parents died before their time is this: Parents want to know that when they leave this planet, their children will still be close.

Pick up a phone and call your siblings. Even if social distancing prevents you from meeting your siblings for dinner at your mom’s favorite restaurant, you can all order your mom’s favorite dish and enjoy a virtual dinner together. Or, use Mother’s Day as a time to plan a summer outing where all the siblings get together. Life gets busy and it’s hard to squeeze in time for siblings, but you’ll be glad you did. And your mom would be, too.

Celebrate the other moms in your life.

Most of us have mother-like figures in our life whom we cherish. Today is a day to extend gratitude and appreciation to the aunt, mother-in-law, older sister, or even a workplace mentor who helped you to become who you are today.

Remember that Mother’s Day is just a day, but your mom stays with you for life.

Mother’s Day comes just once a year, but memories of our mothers are with us all the time. For most of us, a day doesn’t go by when we don’t think of our late mothers, if even for a moment. Remembering to text a loved one when our plane touches down, just to let them know we “made it home alive.” A fondness for Jeopardy. The deeply-held belief that a chicken dinner can cure all ills. That’s not just us—that’s our moms.

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We’re not clinging to the past or failing to move forward when we think or talk about a parent who has passed. Bereavement researchers emphasize the importance of “continuing bonds” with our deceased loved ones. Thinking about how they might advise us when we’re faced with a challenge, or musing over how proud they would have been of our latest accomplishment are mental exercises that can make us feel better and connect us to the past in healthy ways year-round.

Introduce your mom to the youngest generation.

One of the saddest parts of losing a parent (especially at a young age) is that their grandchildren won’t get to know them. Talking to your children or nieces and nephews about who your mom was, and the traits of your mom that live on within them can be a wonderful source of family connection.

Is your child named for your late mom? Do you notice talents or amusing mannerisms in your child that make them the spitting image of their late grandmother? Tell them about her and help to paint a vivid portrait of Grandma; they will feel a special bond even if they’ve never met.

And how can you support friends whose moms have passed away?

Ask questions about her.

We’re often hesitant to ask our friends and family members about loved ones who have died. We worry that we’ll upset them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Bereaved people are eager to talk about their deceased relatives and genuinely appreciate the opportunity to swap stories. They want to share their memories, their funny stories, or even recount the details of her death—trying to make sense of what happened on that fateful day.

Survivors have few opportunities to talk about their loved ones who have passed; they’re afraid that they’ll be a downer at a party or that it seems like they’re clinging to a ghost from the past. Providing an opportunity to talk about the moms who are no longer with us can be cathartic for the survivor.

Share your stories and memories.

Children love hearing stories and discovering what their parents were like when they were young. We pore over old family photos and chuckle at the hairdos in old yearbook portraits because we desperately want to know “who was Mom before she was my mom?”

If you have stories or memories of your friend’s late mom, share them! An entertaining new tidbit or never before-seen-photo may be the best gift you can give your friend—a new glimpse into the woman who made them who they are today.