How Single Are You, Really?

Joey Tribbiani was the charming-but-dopey actor who lived across the hall from Monica and Rachel in the hit TV show, Friends. For most of the 10 seasons of the show, the six main characters ran through a revolving door of romantic partners, but Joey rarely dated anyone for more than an episode. However, we also know that Joey was almost always sleeping with someone. In hindsight, Joey doesn’t stand out as a single icon. The show is not organized around his search to finally find love. Why not? It may be partly because he’s a man, and we have different stereotypes and expectations of single men and single women. But I suspect it’s also because of our narrow definition of what it actually means to be single.

We often think of “single” as just one thing ­– not having a romantic partner. That’s it. Simple. In scientific studies we often use single people as a comparison point, but we rarely actually study them. That’s all changing, mainly because more people are single, they are staying single for longer, and they are breaking down the stereotype that single people are alone and lonely.

In a recent article combining six of our previous studies, Jonathon Beckmeyer and I argued that singlehood is just as complex as being in relationships. How do we know? We started asking a lot more questions and people showed us how many different types of singles there are. Based on our work, we identified five key questions, and the answers show a wide range of different types of singles. Do you see yourself here? Or someone close to you? Anyone see Joey Tribbiani?

1. Are you single-single or dabbling in sex and dating?

We started asking people two questions about their romantic status instead of just one. First, we asked, “Are you romantically involved with anyone, even if it is new or casual?” Even when people said “no” we showed them a list of behaviors and asked which ones they were doing. For about half of the young adults in our studies, “single” participants reported romantic and sexual activities like being interested in someone, “talking” to someone, dating, or having sex with one or more people.

Plenty of single people are sexually or romantically involved with someone, but they still identify themselves as single. A good definition of singlehood includes people that aren’t involved with anyone in any way, and those that dabble in one way or another.

2. What previous romantic experience do you have?

The romantic experiences we have had before shape how we feel about being single, how we experience it, and what we want moving forward. For example, people who are single after a long relationship ends often need some time to heal and regroup. Singlehood is about recovering, reflecting on the relationship, and recalibrating as they move forward to another partner in the future (or not).

Singlehood is completely different for someone who has had little (or no) romantic or sexual experience. For these folks, singlehood may also come along with some fear of the unknown – or it may represent blissful independence. Everyone is different.

3. Do you want to be in a relationship?

One of the most basic questions scholars have failed to ask single people is whether they want to be in a relationship or not. We assume people want to be partnered, but not all of us do. Across our studies, between 14% and 27% of young adults reported that they did not want to be in a relationship. That proportion may be even higher for people at different stages of life.

For some people, being single temporarily makes sense, so they can pursue their own goals and move through the world without having to account for anyone else’s needs or preferences. For other people, singlehood is a desirable long-term status. There are still others who want a relationship and are actively seeking a partner but haven’t found someone to be with yet. And, finally, there are people who want a relationship but are not actively pursuing one. If you have ever been exhausted by the dating scene, maybe you can relate.

4. How do you feel about being single?

We conducted a whole study about this question, which I wrote about in more detail here. Basically, how you feel about being single is important. Some people feel empowered by singlehood, others are disappointed by it, and still others have mixed feelings. How you feel about being single is connected to your overall well-being. It’s single people who would really like to be in a relationship that sometimes struggle the most.

Singlehood Essential Reads

4 Good Reasons to Spend Some Time Alone

Single at Heart: What It Is and Is Not

5. What goals do you have about partnership and family?

Singlehood is a temporary state for some people and a long-term one for others. That depends on what you want at this moment but also your future plans for partnership and family. Do you ultimately want to get married or settle into a long-term relationship? Most people say “yes,” but not all. Do you want to be a parent and, if so, do you want to raise a child with a romantic partner, or do you imagine single parenthood could work for you?

Long-term singles are often masterful at building family relationships outside of romantic partners and children. They invest in their relationships with siblings and niblings (a clever gender-neutral term for nieces and nephews), or they have networks of friends that are family-like in closeness and support. Knowing that their singlehood is a long-term status gives them the foresight to build these relationships and seek support outside of romantic partnership.

Key take-aways

Whether singlehood is a temporary circumstance, a short-term plan, or a long-term status shapes how we experience it. What we want for ourselves matters. Doing this research has taught me that singlehood is not the absence of something. It is the experience of being in relationship with yourself, exploring what you truly want, pursuing your interests and goals, and deciding whether a romantic relationship is right for you and — if so — how you want to pursue it.