How Couples Over 65 Find New Paths to Sexual Satisfaction

From the dawn of sex research in the 1940s through the millennium, sexologists largely ignored late-life lovers. But since Viagra’s 1998 approval, sex researchers have focused tremendous attention on this age group. They’ve discovered that for most older adults who are physically able:

• Self-pleasuring continues throughout life.
• Most older couples continue to make love into very late old age, including in nursing homes.
• Sex based on vaginal intercourse fades as it becomes problematic for all genders. Most older women develop vaginal dryness and atrophy (tissue thinning) that can make insertions painful even with lubricant. Meanwhile, most men develop erectile dysfunction—and surprisingly few use erection drugs because of cost, iffy effectiveness, possible side effects, and that many elder women find even well-lubricated intercourse uncomfortable or painful.
• Instead of intercourse, older couples embrace outercourse, all the other satisfying ways to make love: kissing, hugging, mutual whole-body massage, mutual oral sex, toys, and possibly some kink (blindfolds, light spanking, light restraint, and role-playing).

But most research on elder sex has been conducted in the U.S., Canada, Western Europe, and Australia, where sexual views often skew liberal. How do older adults in conservative, sexually repressed countries adjust to growing older?

Welcome to Conservative, Catholic Poland

Recently, a researcher in Krakow, Poland, answered this question using in-depth interviews with sexually active Polish elders. Poland is overwhelmingly Catholic and ranks among Europe’s most culturally conservative, sex-negative, gender non-egalitarian countries. Contraception is legal, but often difficult to obtain. Abortion is banned (with limited exceptions). Gay marriage is prohibited. There is no school sex education. Few parents discuss sex with their children. And beyond Internet pornography, if Poles get any sex education at all, it does not focus on mutual pleasure, but on women’s “marital duty” to have children and satisfy their husbands’ needs.

The researcher interviewed 30 Poles, all heterosexual, all Catholic, 16 women, 14, men, ages 65 to 82 with an average age of 71. Their education varied from high school to college. Most were retired. Almost all were married, widowed, or divorced. (Divorce is legal in Poland, but because of Church disapproval, Poland’s divorce rate is one of Europe’s lowest.)

Thirty interviews may not sound sufficient for scientific credibility, but robust literature shows that in studies based on lengthy interviews, after around two dozen, participants rarely raise significantly new issues.

How Aging Changes Ideas About Sex

The researcher asked how participants viewed sex decades earlier when they were young, and how they viewed it when interviewed.

During young adulthood, virtually everyone declared they’d equated sex with intercourse, and engaged in partner sex largely for procreation. The women recalled considering sex, that is, intercourse, “a man’s thing.” They considered it a shameful chore that often felt painful. But it was their marital duty, and necessary for children, so they put up with it. The women agreed that sex for greater intimacy was a romantic fantasy, and that sex for pleasure was largely impossible, and if possible, questionable, suggesting sin, promiscuity, and infidelity. Where did they get these ideas? From their mothers, other girls, and the Church. None recalled ever questioning these beliefs.

Meanwhile, the men recalled believing intercourse was “the only true sex.” They believed sexual desire was natural for men but not women, with the latter obligated to service men’s lust and bear their children. The men had no idea that women might suffer sexual pain. If women complained of discomfort, the men didn’t believe them. Like the women, the men considered spousal emotional intimacy a romantic fantasy, an unnecessary distraction from the cornerstones of sex—intercourse and impregnation.

But even in conservative, sexually repressed Poland, the Krakow researcher found that as her sample grew older, their views of sex changed. Almost everyone dropped their youthful fixation on intercourse and embraced outercourse. Both the women and men declared that their elder sex involved much more foreplay—that is, outercourse—than intercourse. Many affirmed that it produced more pleasure, closeness, trust, and mutual respect than they’d ever thought possible.

The women said:

• “I don’t recall any foreplay when I was younger. We went straight to penetration. Now we do a lot of cuddling. It’s so tender. It gives me tremendous satisfaction.”
• “Maybe he’s compensating for all those years I didn’t have any fun. He’s so sensitive now, and we’re partners in mutual fondling. It’s great!”
• “When I was younger, I never wanted sex. But now I understand what was missing for all those years, pleasure. Now I love to make love.”
• “It doesn’t matter if we have intercourse. We feel closer and closer. It’s so rewarding. We lie in bed and stroke each other for hours. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had.”

The men said:

• “My ex-wife and I never kissed passionately. We hardly kissed at all. My current partner is an amazing kisser. The first time she kissed me, that’s when I fell in love with her.”
• “I used to think that if sex didn’t revolve around intercourse, what was the point? Now we offer each other so much more. We hug, kiss, and talk.”
• “We had to learn about sex from scratch, both of us. We didn’t know anything when we were young. Sex is beautiful now. We use our fingers and hands a lot. We touch each other all over. And we have lots of oral sex.”
• “I’ve learned that men need preparation, too. The more foreplay, the better.”
• “We have a bag full of toys now. We experiment. We play. We have fun. It’s great.”

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Why Such Major Changes?

Most older Poles remain devoutly Catholic, but three reasons appear to explain why their lovemaking evolved from just intercourse to the many splendors of outercourse: the media, new relationships, and growing older and wiser.

Polish media publish some sex-positive information. For several years, a Polish magazine reprinted many of my Psychology Today blog posts.

Many participants cited new relationships as the reason for their late-life sexual awakenings:

• “Single at 58, I felt that sex was over for me. Then I met my current partner. I gave no thought to it becoming sexual. I just wanted companionship. But over time, holding hands led to kissing, which led to cuddling, and more. Now we have sex regularly—sometimes with penetration even. I never imagined that sex could be so much fun.”
• "I’m ashamed of how primitive my young sex was. I had no idea what the G-spot was. My new partner led me to it and explained it to me. I pleasure her with my finger and it’s beautiful. She gets so aroused. I feel so proud when I bring her to orgasm.”

Many participants still with their original, young-adult spouses also discovered the joys of outercourse. As the decades passed, many of the women became more sexually assertive, better able to insist on the caresses they wanted. And many of the men listened to them. Their erections were fading. They wanted to remain sexual. And their wives said, “You want sex now? Try this….”

Even in culturally conservative, largely sex-negative cultures, old dogs can learn new tricks—and enjoy them.