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A reader told me of his therapist's advice for staying on the road of recovery. In a group therapy session, an (ex?) addict expressed his greatest frustration: not being able to tell his wife "never again" with absolute certainty.
The therapist countered that it was equally impossible to promise never to have a car accident. Rather, "...you drive defensively, paying attention. Not too tight; not too loose. You’re not so afraid of having an accident that you’re all frozen up...not so tight you can’t take in the wider picture, but not careless either, you keep your eyes on the road...you want to be skillful.”
You can't be certain you won't have an accident, but you can drive well—with awareness and flexibility—to minimize the chances. Choice is like that. You can't guarantee that you will always choose well, but you can build up skills that give you an edge. So calling addiction a "disorder of choice" may only scratch the surface. To understand the role of choice in addiction, we must first understand how choice works, and especially how it rides on the back of preformed habits.
When I meditate (sporadically, I admit), I sometimes focus on my breathing, in and out, in and out, and I discover for the umpteenth time that breathing is fascinating. When you focus on your breath, you seem to be right there, present, at the moment when each breath begins. You say: ok, I'm going to inhale now, and you do. But when you relax a bit more, or when your mind wanders, you find that the breath comes anyway.
What's most revealing is the state where you watch the choice and the automatic reflex converge. There you find that the choice to begin another breath coincides with an impulse that's already underway. Like froth on a wave—the wave being a habitual biological rhythm. The breath has its own momentum, its own autonomy, even when you're breathing intentionally. So how much of that breath was actually your choice?
Similarly, the "choice" to reach for that bottle or that phone (to call your dealer) or the fridge door is only part choice. It's also part impulse—the gathering and then discharging of an underlying urge or plan—mixed together with conscious volition. So your moment of intention rides like a little boat carried by a wave.
If that's how choice actually operates, then the trick would be to work on shaping the wave—to become "skillful" in laying down and practising habits that facilitate the choices you want to make.
Making good choices requires good habits. But driving habits, like addictive habits, are not built in the way breathing habits are. And that's good! That's what permits us to work on those habits and improve them. Through effort and practice. Good habits allow the spark of choice to flair in the right direction.
This little breathing exercise is a great way to study choice, from the inside—a start toward understanding it. But we can go further. In a couple of days I'll post Part 3—a look at what your brain is doing when you make a choice.
