5 Unexpected Ways That Boundaries Can Set You Free

“Good fences make good neighbors,” wrote the poet Robert Frost, meaning there’s less room for conflict when everyone knows where the boundaries are. That’s especially true for those of us who love a person with a substance use disorder.

Boundaries are physical and emotional limits we set to let others know how to treat us. They’re lines we won’t allow others to cross, designed to protect our well-being.

When our boundaries are clear, we refuse to accept abusive or manipulative behavior. We confirm that we have value and that our needs are just as important as other people’s.

But boundaries go even deeper than that. They limit the behaviors we’ll accept from ourselves. We can say “no” to things that make us uncomfortable. We become clear about what we will and won’t do. In a real sense, boundaries help us define and express who we are.

Paradoxically, although boundaries involve setting limits, they’re one of the surest paths to personal freedom. To see why, consider these five unexpected ways that setting (and keeping) boundaries can set you free.

1. When you set boundaries, you’re free to live your own life. Confusion is often the result when someone you love becomes addicted. You can get so wrapped up trying to “fix” or “rescue” your loved ones that you try to live their life for them. Yet, as a friend once reminded me, it’s hard enough to live one life without trying to live two.

Boundaries free us from the impossible task of trying to manage someone else’s life. They allow us to focus on the only life we can do something about—our own.

2. Boundaries free you to nurture your well-being. Addiction makes it hard to take care of life’s basics. Things like paying bills, preparing meals, and honoring commitments tend to fall by the wayside. Suppose your boundaries aren’t securely in place. In that case, you can end up picking up the slack for your addicted loved one, taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours, and neglecting yourself in the process.

Boundaries help us clearly see where our responsibilities begin and end. Yes, we can offer our loved ones love and support. But we’re not obliged to solve their problems for them (nor are we able to). By drawing a line between their obligations and ours, we’re free to take care of our own physical, mental, and spiritual health.

3. Boundaries free you to live in harmony with your moral values. It’s easy to get drawn into the moral “squishiness” that comes with addiction. “Little” lies about why your spouse missed work can mushroom into bigger lies about why you need a prescription refill, what happened to the rent check, or who was at the wheel of a car after an accident. But the more lines we cross, the foggier we get about our own moral principles.

Boundaries help us maintain our moral moorings. When we’re asked to do something that makes us uncomfortable, we can honor the limits set by our moral boundaries. We don’t have to decide what’s right or wrong for anybody else; we only need to know what’s right for us.

4. Boundaries free you from the perpetual conflict that comes with addiction. Addicted people live in a world of extreme highs and lows, shifting realities and moral ambiguities. Since you don’t know what to expect from one day (or moment) to the next, opportunities for misunderstandings abound.

Knowing our boundaries can illuminate the chaos. When we’re clear about what is and isn’t open to negotiation, we can maintain our serenity, refuse to be drawn into conflict, and walk away from problematic situations before they escalate.

5. Boundaries free you to extend genuine love. Loving a person with a substance use disorder is draining. Emotional volatility, dishonesty, unreliability, and self-absorbedness—are all characteristics of addiction. If our emotional boundaries aren’t clear—if we’re unable to detach or refuse to accept abusive behavior—we can find ourselves playing the martyr and getting mired in feelings of resentment, self-pity, and anger. Protecting our emotional well-being is the first step in healing the relationship—even if our addicted loved one is not yet ready.

Some may fear that setting boundaries is “selfish.” In reality, taking care of ourselves is the exact opposite of selfishness. Only by caring for ourselves can we extend to others the kindness, generosity, and compassion that are the foundation of genuine love. As the author Leo Buscaglia noted, “To love others, you must first love yourself.”

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Loving a person with a substance use disorder can present seemingly endless challenges. But as with all challenges, there are also opportunities for personal growth. When we use the challenges of addiction to clarify our boundaries, we’re free to live a wiser, happier, healthier life.