How to Make Small Talk Feel More Authentic

Making small talk

Source: Pixabay / No Attribution Required

Many people treat small talk quite instrumentally, as a way to “win friends and influence people.” And that can certainly be the case. But I find that it’s much more effective—and frankly easier—to think of small talk as a real, authentic way to construct the building blocks of an actual, meaningful future relationship. Here are a few concrete tips to make this happen.

1. Treat small talk as a real opportunity, and be present and engaged. We’ve all probably gone through the motions during small talk, saying hello, making a quick comment, giving a quick smile, but with our real attention directed elsewhere—perhaps to the next task we have on our plate or to something else we’re concerned about. But the topics we touch on during small talk can often be quite substantive (like a big upcoming presentation, or a trip abroad, or something about our family or kids), even if we only briefly or lightly touch on them during the conversation itself. Remember that what’s discussed during small talk actually does often help you learn what’s important in a person’s life. Be present and engaged during small talk, even if it lasts for only a few moments.

2. Ask questions that have the chance of sparking a good conversation based on common interests. One tip I often suggest to people is to use what’s around you in the room—since, after all, that’s something you’ll always have in common—the fact that you’re together in the same physical location. Perhaps, as was the case the other day in a room I was in, the clock was broken, and that provided a funny way to kick off a small talk conversation. Or perhaps there’s something unique about the view. Or perhaps your colleague has something unique with them–like an interesting bag or umbrella or computer case. Focusing on the immediate present is often a good way to kick off a conversation on a positive note about something you both might have something to say about.

3. Take notes and carry small talk into the future. Imagine, for example, you happen to have a quick small talk conversation with a colleague about a presentation she’s making later in the day. That’s something you might keep in the back of your mind for the next time you see her. Of course, there’s always a chance that the presentation didn’t go well, and she won’t want to talk about it. But if you bring it up in a way that shows you remember and care, chances are, it will help deepen the relationship. The point here is that conversations, even little micro ones, can be woven together to build the tapestry of a personal connection and relationship. The key is to be present, listen, ask good questions, and remember.