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Key points
- Embrace your individuality; you are your own special snowflake.
- There is no scenario in life where thinking "I should" can be advantageous for you.
- Question "I Should" with "Says Who?"
Many clients come to me feeling down. Some are aware of the source of their strife, while others constantly ask themselves “Why is this happening to me?” They often feel the world and all its ugliness — failure with online dating, dealing with an unhappy marriage, mindless work, ongoing work anxiety, lack of deep friendships, dealing with existentialism — is all happening to them.
This is where I inform them that the body and the mind are constantly speaking to one another and while doing so, sending you messages. These messages can be delivered through emotions or they may manifest physically through pain or wellness.
We need to change the internal dialogue from Life Is Happening to Me to Life Is Happening for Me.
Why? Because it is your body leading you to get help. The victim mindset is the cause of much of our distress. What most do not know is by taking on the victim mindset you also tend to feel a great deal of shame. The shame drives the despair, the despair drives the hopelessness, and the hopelessness inherently drives the shame creating a continuous feedback loop.
Why Shame?
Shame drives the "I should." I can’t think of any scenario where having an "I Should" thought loop constantly circulating can be advantageous or healthy for your esteem.
Because at the end of the day, you must question the "I should" with "Says who?"
Is a parent, friend, or partner telling you "You should"?
Realize that every person on this earth behaves the way they do because it makes sense to them. Otherwise, they wouldn’t do it. And every person on this earth behaves the way they do because of their past experiences. You have certain biases around money, food, sexuality, intimacy, religion, and so on. You think and behave according to some genetic traits, but mainly those experiences. The world, in that sense, has shaped you in a way that makes you extremely unique.
Yes, you are your special snowflake, just like Gramma said when you were 2 and a half years old.
Why then are you telling yourself "You should"? If you are extremely unique, in all that you do.
Remember that guilt and shame are entirely different beasts. Guilt is felt due to an action (you ate the last cookie even though you told your wife you have no idea where it went). Shame on the other hand is felt towards yourself as an individual. You, yourself are shameful. You feel you are a horrible person like you don’t deserve to breathe the air you do.
Shame and What to Do About It
Strategies to deal with shame:
- You are human, and humans make mistakes.
- If you feel regret, about something you did or said, you always have the option to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. Expression of feelings is key to self-acceptance.
- Mistakes plant seeds for growth and growth is life; this is exciting, new, and full of potential.
- You are not the same person yesterday as you are today, every day is new and different and because of this—life becomes energy-begetting, not draining.
- Reach out by becoming interested in other people. Ask yourself: Why do they behave the way they do? You want to become curious about people, rather than compare yourself to others. Curiosity breeds not only acceptance of others but acceptance of yourself.
I love C words because so many relate to human interaction. Let me list just a few: Communication, conversation, curiosity (get curious rather than judge), compassion (realize we are all human), connection (connect with a friend, therapist, coach, or mentor), consciousness (being present in the here and now), culture (building a culture of acceptance).
Remember, all the C words from above should be used with yourself, not just others. Have a conversation with yourself and be compassionate to the child within you. You wouldn’t shame your child. Why shame yourself?
