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Ask any parent, and they'll give many examples of their kids "testing" them, pushing "buttons," and misbehaving in order to get something, avoid something, or just for the heck of it (or so it seems). Homework delay tactics, chore dodging, jealous sibling tattle-taling, I want pizza for dinner and because it's liver I'm tantrumming — most parents have ridden this merry-go-round of mischief. Ask any parent and, if they're in an honest mood, they'll admit to cave-ins that would make the heartiest Boy Scout spelunker a bit uneasy. It's difficult to set consistent limits on children's problem behavior. And yet, it is so important that parents do so.
It is tempting to think a particular infraction of the rules is "no big deal," and not worth a pitched battle that disrupts the entire household. "Johnny didn't really mean it," and "besides, I don't want to get us both upset and damage our relationship." For many parents, the day has already been far too stressful. "I just need to relax. I can't handle this right now." Yes, it's true that parents should pick their battles. There's no need to pounce on kids' every misstep. Correct — children's feelings and perspectives are important, and must be acknowledged. "Because I said so," should be stricken from the parental vocabulary. It is also true though that kids are sending messages with their noodginess and nare-do-welling "I'm anxious," or "I'm upset and don't know what to do with it," are common themes. Also true are the messages sent by parents by their response (intended or not).
"I don't want to deal with this."
"You cannot be contained."
"You're on your own figuring out how to deal with your feelings."
"People in the real world will get out of your way and bow to your whims and desires."
Parents must ask themselves what messages they ultimately want their children to receive. What do we want kids to learn about how to handle themselves? What do we want them to remember about how we handled ourselves? Will they say we were thinking of the short-term pay out of calm reclaimed or the long-term compounding of hard choices and tantrums weathered? And it's not "spare the rod, spoil the child." — research has shattered the rod and left it for kindling.
Children grow to remember the guidance of the parent willing to stand firm and point toward the bedroom at the appointed time; willing to turn a mute, slack expression toward an angry face wanting immediate doling of sugary snacks. If combined with ample helpings of love and nurturance, such structure and guidance gives kids the tools to manage their emotions, navigate the inevitable turmoil and tug-of-wars of future on-the-job obstacles and relationship roller-coasters. Bottom line: kids are keen observers though they may seem mere surface dwellers with all their TV watching and video game finger flicking. Parents should not be fooled — when it comes to responses to their misbehavior, the messages received go deep.
The key is to set limits and to do so in a way that is highly attuned to the child's feelings and perspective. Limit-setting is not about becoming a parental executioner. Parents are not to "drop the hammer" on kids. It's not about crushing children under the weight of parental pressure. In the same sentence that you tell a child that their behavior is inappropriate, crosses the line, and results in a consequence, you can acknowledge the truth and validity of the impulse that spawned it. Feelings and impulses are always acceptable. Bad behavior is not.
