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Relationships
How to Deal with Smear Campaigns After Relationships End
Some people will always paint themselves as a victim.
Updated September 20, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Think about how your former whatever portrayed previous exes, and assume that you won't be the exception.
- Once a smear campaign looks inevitable, refrain from reaching out and trying to change the person.
- Don't try to counter with the same smear game. Don't engage. Instead, be the bigger person and stay above it.
- Get help from your support network. Realize that it will pass. Learn and grow from the experience.
You know it's coming. While you were together in a relationship, that person criticized and smeared every previous ex-whatever that he or she had before you. So, take a wild guess as to what's going to happen now that you've become that person's ex as well.
Get ready to have a big X put through your name and be the next victim of that person's latest smear campaign. So what do you do when you are dealing with such a situation regardless of what the relationship was, whether it was with a former boo, schmoopie, business partner, buddy, compadre, or tater tot? Well, you can take the following steps:
Step 1: Recognize who might be likely to use the smear campaign.
Think about how your former whatever portrayed previous exes and assume the same may apply to you. In some cases, the answer may be obvious: They smeared everyone in some way.
In other cases, things may have been more subtle. It can be the "Gee, I like to be kind to all my exes, but here are some real intimate, embarrassing, and horrible details about them that I should have not shared" approach. Consider it the humblesmear instead of the humblebrag. Don't let the seemingly warm and soft outside belie the cold and hard center. Really assess whether your former whatever ever took appropriate responsibility for the failure of previous relationships versus always playing the victim.
Also, how did the person act when you were together? How often did they apologize and truly show remorse after doing something wrong? A snake remains a snake even after it's shed its skin, with the skin, in this case, being you. Additionally, the end of the relationship could be a trailer for the rest of the movie. If you were treated badly on the way out, take a wild guess as to what's going to happen going forward.
Step 2: Mentally prepare yourself. Don't believe that you will somehow be different.
Once you've seen what that person did to previous exes, don't let your tender heart fool you into thinking that you will somehow be the exception. Sorry, but you are not that special, at least, not to your former whatever.
Step 3: Once the smear campaign looks inevitable, refrain from reaching out and trying to change the person
You might try once to appeal to that person's rationality, kindness, or sense of fairness to stop the smear campaign. But if smearing exes is central to that person maintaining his or her identity, chances are that such an appeal will fall flat, just like the relationship. Your former whatever may even use whatever info they get from your appeals as more fodder, like twisting what you say.
Step 4: Don't try to counter with the same smear game.
Trying to beat expert smearers at their own game is like trying to out-rat a rat. They've already got a lot of practice and may have a massive head start on you as well. Who knows how long the groundwork for the smear campaign was laid before the relationship ended?
Plus, experienced smearers are very adept at smearing your attempts to smear their smears. It can play right into their victim narrative as in "See how awful this person is being to me." Of course, another risk is that others will just throw the both of you into one big there-they-go-with-the-reality-show-like-feuding-again bucket.
Step 5: Don't engage. Instead, be the bigger person and stay above it.
The best way to deal with such a smear campaign is to stay above the fray and be the bigger person. Don't engage with your former whatever. If you have to interact, be polite but tight-lipped.
Step 6: Counter with facts and kindness and show everyone who you really are.
When questioned by others, stick to the facts about what happened, and acknowledge what was good about the other person. You may even indicate what you did wrong in the relationship. Remember the goal is not to convince the smearer to change his or her mind about you but to preserve your reputation. Other people with common sense will judge you based on how you act towards them.
Step 7: Get help from your support network.
Heed the words of RIngo Starr, and get by with a little help from your friends. They can help put things in proper perspective, provide emotional support, and even launch a counter-information campaign. They can also help determine whether legal assistance and other formal support is needed.
Step 8: Determine who matters and focus on them.
Whenever you are subjected to a smear campaign, expect to lose some friends, collaborators, and other colleagues. They may turn away from you and even side with the other person. This is more about them than you, though. Maybe they are afraid of your former whatever or will get fooled, as you did. Regardless, those who can't recognize your inherent value and a smear campaign may not be worth having in your orbit anyway.
Step 9: Realize that it will pass.
The smear campaign revealed the true colors of your former whatever. And as Cyndi Lauper sang, "True colors are beautiful." Even when they are bad, it's always better to know them. Be thankful that you didn't invest more in the relationship. No matter how many bullets you ended up taking, you dodged a whole lot more.
Step 10: Learn and grow from the experience.
Turn the situation into a positive. Maybe you'll be able to detect people like your former whatever sooner. Maybe your other relationships have grown stronger as a result. Maybe you'll be able to handle smear campaigns better in the future.
While you can't control what your former whatevers say about you, you can choose how you react. Adapt William Wallace's words in the movie Braveheart and remember: They may tell lies, but they'll never take your freedom!!!
