Advice: He Said the "L" Word

I'm 25 years old, and I have been dating a guy for almost six months who recently told me, "I love you." I was taken aback by his disclosure, and my instinct was to simply say, "Thank you." However, it did not seem like an easy thing for him to express, and so I reciprocated. I have since told him that I am not sure what my feelings are but that I am open to exploring our relationship further. I've never been in (romantic) love before, but I imagine that if you love someone you would just know it. My question is, how do you know you love someone? And if I don't love him now, should I break things off with him?

Uh oh, it sounds as if you doubt anything could be love unless birds chirp in unison, bells peal, clocks stop, and you dance on air, because the normal laws of the universe get suspended. It may feel that way for some people, but only for a short time, and only if they've read too many fairy tales. Real love comes in many forms, and sweeping infatuation is but one. About six months into a relationship is often when people begin to get serious in their feelings. So you should not be surprised that your boyfriend has developed and articulated feelings for you. It's not wise to confess emotions you don't feel, because it only makes you dislike yourself for being inauthentic. The fact that you want to continue to spend time with him suggests you feel positive enough for now. Wanting to see what develops is a smart approach. Not everyone is on the same emotional timetable. You want to avoid ultimatums by either of you for a declaration of feelings by some arbitrary schedule.

How do people know they are in love? Generally, they think of each other when they are apart; they appreciate each other's personality and character. They demonstrate (not just declare) positive feelings and affection. They want a future together.

It's not clear whether your uncertainty about your own feelings stems from something in yourself or in your boyfriend. But it is an issue worth exploring. Have there been experiences in your family where love fell apart, perhaps leaving you guarded against further disappointment? Do you come from a family that experienced lots of conflict, so that your notion of love might be confused? Or do you come from a family that is undemonstrative, so that you are uncomfortable with declarations of love? Were you emotionally betrayed by someone earlier in your life? Or do you believe that there are specific earmarks of true love and they are missing from your relationship? Do you feel unworthy of receiving love for some reason? In reflecting on the source of your hesitation, you might ask yourself what you think love is and whether you believe there are requirements for it.

You also need to be honest with yourself about your boyfriend. Do you have some private ideal that he doesn't match? Is there something about him that turns you off or makes you uncomfortable in some way? Do you think he would make a good partner for what you expect lies ahead in life? Does he have some shortcoming that bothers you or that you think might impede him in the future? Have you observed him in a variety of situations (with friends, colleagues, and family, and on his own) so that you can trust his nature?

Only you know the answers, but the questions may help you figure out what your own emotions are. You want to make sure that the relationship is moving forward for reasons other than the laws of inertia or fear of being alone.