Marriage Ain't Always Easy

Rebuilding and trust for a happier relationship. Psychology Today's Hara Marano gives advice for difficult questions in two marriages.

I have been married for 18 years and have two teenage boys. My husband and I have slowly drifted apart and argue about everything constantly. There have never been any major problems between us, we have just lost interest (and love) for each other. We have slept in separate rooms for seven years and have not had sex during that time. Otherwise, our lives are good. We live in a nice house, my husband enjoys his job and I am able to stay at home. We enjoy the company of other couples and activities such as golf for my husband and shopping for me. Though I'm happy with the rest of my life, I miss having a loving relationship. If I were to divorce my husband, it would devastate my children and my life might not really be any better. Working on the relationship I have is out of the question as I truly do not love my husband, and I believe the feeling is mutual. Any suggestions? —Sunny

You're right about divorce; it probably would devastate the kids, at least for a time, and your life might not be better afterwards. But you're wrong about love. The feeling that love is dead between you and your husband is an illusion. Love is a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you and your husband treat each other. If you and he were to learn new ways of interacting and expressing yourselves, the feelings could come flowing back stronger than ever.

I urge you NOT to work on the relationship you have—but to create a new relationship with your husband. Perhaps some night you can walk gently into his room, sit at the foot of his bed and tell him how much you miss a warm loving relationship and you imagine that he does too, that you don't want to live the rest of your life this estranged way, that's it's been a long time but you're willing to explore new ways of being together that you can both enjoy. Ask him what he wants and share with him what you want. Check out smartmarriages.com.

For the record, one way couples lose touch with each other is to put the children at the center of the marriage. What your kids need more is your own happy marriage. Once you start talking, plan a weekend away with your husband.

I have been married for almost 20 years to a well-educated attorney and college professor. I was an RN, but haven't worked in 15 years. I also have MS, but so far it hasn't been a problem. My husband had his first affair in the early 90s. It lasted almost five years, until the woman, a co-worker, moved. We tried to work on the marriage and were doing reasonably well until I discovered a love letter to a woman he was planning to meet in Germany (he travels constantly). Unbeknownst to me, our son, 15, also discovered this letter, and went into an emotional tailspin. We are in counseling, but I wonder constantly what to do. He says he loves me and wants to work on the marriage, says there's something wrong with him and doesn't know why he did it. At 52 I'm afraid to strike out on my own and I do have a very comfortable lifestyle. Yet I worry about the effect on my son (who is in treatment for abusing pot at a private school). I am losing respect for myself. What should I do? —Susan

It's possible to salvage a marriage after infidelity, but it isn't easy. There's nothing worth fixing unless your husband shows empathy for the pain he caused you (and your son), and takes responsibility for the choices he made, regardless of any problems in the marriage.

The bedrock of relationships is trust; the shattering of trust through betrayal makes infidelity a true trauma. The betrayal is not sex with another woman, it's his secretly becoming emotionally closer to an outsider than to you while you are operating on a different set of assumptions about your relationship.

Healing involves a long slow rebuilding of trust-by your husband stopping all contact with the affair partners, by sharing his whereabouts, by being willing to answer all of your questions about past and present contacts with the affair partners. Just as important, you have to together design the relationship you both want, one you can both look forward to-and make time for it.

No lifestyle, no matter how comfortable, is a substitute for close connection with another human being. Staying in a marriage for fear of being on one's own does not encourage closeness. Sharing your deepest feelings and dreams for the future with each other does, and is the single best deterrent to an affair.

By the way, your MS may not be disabling you but it may be profoundly affecting your relationship. That you have a condition that is usually progressive may be keeping your husband emotionally distant from you. The only way to know is by talking about it in a gentle and open way. On this you have to take the lead, because his reticence may be his (misguided) way of trying to protect both of you.