What Does it Take to Maintain Love?

Introducing a new department, in which our far-flung faculty bringsmultiple perspectives to issues of everyday life. Herewith, their assembled wisdom on keeping love alive.

BABALAWO PHILIP JOHN NEIMARK

Love comes from values, not pheromones! Earth-based cultures built relationships on the bedrock of shared values. They didn't sweep long-term goals under the bed simply because they were eager to jump into it.

If what you seek is lasting love, get back to genuine values. Grow a flower before a child, smell a puppy's breath instead of the latest perfume, walk barefoot through the morning dew instead of trying on the latest aerobic sneaker. Then, settle for nothing less than another who feels the same.

LYNNE GOLD-BIKIN, J.D.

* Know your needs and share them. Closeness cannot occur without honesty

* Listen to your partner with empathy and without judgment.

* Praise your partner. Love cannot survive in an atmosphere of constant criticism.

* Share responsibilities. Taking out the trash does not require a Y chromosome.

* No relationship is perfect all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

FRANK FARLEY, PH.D.

A key, often overlooked ingredient in love is risk taking, the willingness to risk opening your deepest emotional life to another person. Stultifying, loveless marriages of people afraid to reveal their deepest feelings scar society's emotional landscape like burned-out buildings.

The recipe for successful love also requires giving--and forgiving. If you can't be generous in all flyings and forgive when your loved one transgresses some role you believe in, you won't experience lasting love. Finally, know as much about yourself and your loved one as possible so that you are better able to share life's challenges. Marriages between people with similar personalities and interests are more likely to last. Opposites attract, but don't count on them staying together.

STEPHANIE COONTZ, PH.D.

The fragility of love today stems from societal dilemmas, not simply from individual hang-ups. The idea that all of our sensual, intimate, and altruistic attachments must go toward a single member of the opposite sex is a 20th-century invention. In the 1950s, marital therapists, real estate agents, advertisers, sociologists, and scriptwriters urged us to cut ties with kin and neighbors who might compete with lovers for our attention, loyalty, and obligation. The result: For many, love has become an all-or-nothing proposition. We expect to fulfill all of our needs and responsibilities through love--so we often lose it when it fails to meet those expectations.

THE REV. CECIL WILLIAMS

To have love, you must have self-definition. If you cannot relate to yourself, you're unable to relate to others. If you have no self-love, you have no love to give. Once you acquire love, maintaining it is the big challenge. lt's important to know that we never fully have it--it's always something to aspire to, to work toward. We can't take love for granted.

DIANE SOLLEE, M.S.W.

If you've found your true love, rush to the nearest course on "making relationships work." These courses were developed by marital therapists who know we've spent a great deal of energy selecting our partners--and probably made a pretty decent match. We don't want to battle over alimony We just don't know what to do to keep the relationship going.

Take a refresher course once a year until you're sure you've mastered the operating instructions. Nothing's more romantic than walking into a relationship course hand-in-hand with your partner.

Babalawo Philip John Neimark, High Palest of Ifa, is author of The Sacred Ira Oracle.

Lynne Gold-Bilkin, J.D., is chairwoman of the American Bar Association Family Law Section.

Frank Farley, Ph.D., is professor of psychology at Temple University.

Stephanie Coontz, Ph.D., a family historian at Evergreen State College, is author of The Way We Never Were.)

The Rev. Cecil Williams is pastor at Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco.

Diane Sollee, M.S.W., is director of the Center for Family and Couples Education, in Washington, D.C.

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