Daddy Got Fired & Are We Going to Be Poor?

Talking to Kids About Job Loss:The 10 Most Important Steps

Eight-year-old Amanda sensed something was wrong the second her dad
came home from work. He looked different--very sad, she thought--and when
he didn't reach down to give her a big hug, she grew anxious. Later on,
she overheard him tell her mother that his department--and his job--had
been eliminated. Her mother started to cry. Worried and confused, Amanda
came into the kitchen and asked what was going on; her parents told her
that Daddy had been fired and didn't have a job anymore. The girl wasn't
sure why losing a job was so bad, but it scared her to see her mom and
dad so upset. Lying in bed that night, she remembered something her
mother had told her--that the people they had seen sleeping on the
sidewalks one day were there because they'd lost their jobs. "Daddy got
fired," Amanda repeated tearfully to her mom when she came to tuck her
in. "Are we going to have to sleep outside in the cold?"

The economic and emotional turmoil of job loss is not easy to
explain to a young child. Some children may not yet fully understand what
having a job means. To a child of two, three, or even four, "Mommy has a
job" simply means that mother goes away for many hours and someone else
takes care of him or her during that time. Thus, the concept of job loss
makes little sense.

In fact, when a parent loses her job, a very young child may be
quite happy. "If Mommy doesn't have to go to work anymore," the child may
think, "she'll have more time to spend with me."

Older children who understand that parents go to work to earn money
to support the family may begin to grasp some of the repercussions of job
loss, even though their thoughts may not be completely rational. Amanda,
for example, jumped to the conclusion that she would become homeless.
Another child might worry that his parents will no longer be able to
afford to send him to summer camp. Still another might insist on getting
a job to help his parents recoup some income.

But what usually disturbs kids most about parental job loss is
sensing--or witnessing--their parent's emotional devastation. Children
rely on their parents for stability and security; when a parent becomes
very upset, it can threaten the safety of the child's world. Thus, when a
parent gets fired or laid off, the emotional shock waves ripple through
the entire family.

As with all crises, job loss can be handled with a minimum of
stress on you and your child. And the experience can serve to teach a
child a wonderful lesson: While life's path doesn't always run smoothly,
the family is loving and strong enough to negotiate the bumpiest of
roads.

1. Level with your child. You're making a big mistake if you try to
hide your job loss from your child. Kids count on their parents for the
truth and can sense when something's bothering them. A child may conjure
up some far worse scenario than job loss if you don't level with him or
her from the start.

But being truthful doesn't mean going into all the gory details,
particularly if your child is very young. A four- or five-year-old need
only be told something like "Daddy lost his job today so he's not going
to be working at his office for factory or hospital for a while. But he's
going to be looking for a new job and then he'll have a new place to go
to work."

A seven- or eight-year-old who understands a bit more about what
having a job means may be told, "Daddy lost his job yesterday. He's a
little sad because he liked his work and he liked earning money. But he's
going to be looking for a new job and he'll probably find something even
better. In the meantime, things will go on pretty much the same. You'll
go to school and play with your friends and do all the things you usually
do."

You might explain to a 10- or 11-year-old that "Daddy lost his job
yesterday. He's a little disappointed because he liked his work and he
liked earning money so that he could buy us lots of nice things. Dad will
find a new job, but in the meantime, things will go on pretty much as
usual. We are going to have to be a little more careful about how we
spend our money for a while--maybe instead of going to the movies this
weekend, we'll rent a special video instead--but otherwise, things will
stay pretty much the same."

(You should decide what you're going to say in advance. Chances are
you're in a shaky emotional state fight now and perhaps not thinking as
clearly as usual, so it's best not to speak entirely off the
cuff.)

2. Don't create a false sense of reality. In an effort to shield
children from the emotional and economic stress of job loss, some parents
shower their kids with new toys and treats during this time. But that
only creates a false sense of reality that can confuse young kids. The
children can see that Mom and Dad are upset about money, so they wonder,
"Why are they still buying us presents?" They begin questioning their own
ability to understand reality and their parents' truthfulness. Creating
such a contradictory situation also sends the message that it's fine to
pretend things are okay when they're not. To avoid failing into this
trap, parents need to remember that kids are better served when they are
made aware of a family crisis and encouraged to participate, in an
age-appropriate way, in dealing with it.

3. Let the kids help out. As a member of the family, a child will
want to help resolve the problem when the family is going through a
difficult time. So let him. Dr. Antoinette Saunders, founder of the
Chicago-based The Capable Kid counseling centers, suggests creating a
chart on which each child lists the way he helped out in a given week.
Next to the four- or five-year-old's name might be "played quietly while
Mommy was on the phone," or "brushed my teeth by myself while Mommy was
writing letters." A seven-year-old's contribution might be "helped clear
the table after dinner every night," while an 11-year-old "helped get the
baby ready for bed so Dad could have more time to send out
resumes."

Another tactic that will allow you to involve your kids without
overburdening them is to make a game of problem-solving. You can say,
"You know, since I lost my job, we have to make our money last longer. So
let's make up a list of ways we can have lots of fun without spending
lots of money." That list might include things like riding bikes, playing
games at home, visiting a favorite relative or friend, or preparing a
special family meal. Another suggestion: Take your youngster grocery
shopping, and let him help you figure out ways to stretch the budget. As
one mother found out, boxes of macaroni and cheese are not only cheap,
but kids view it as a bigger treat than potatoes Dauphin.

4. Maintain a normal routine. Children depend on routine and
predictability to assure them that their world is safe. Thus it is
critically important to try to maintain their daily routines as much as
possible. If the economic realities of job loss demand that you pare down
expenses, cut out the cleaning help and not the child's regular
babysitter (or nanny). In the same vein, it's better to forego your
once-a-year vacation to Disney World than to curtail your child's weekly
karate classes.

Make an effort to keep meal, bed, bath, and play times on the same
schedule as always. If you always read a story to your child at bedtime,
continue to do so now, even if you don't feel up to it. Your children
will suffer more from a disrupted routine than from your temporary
inability to buy them any special toys or goodies.

5. Don't overburden your child. Often a parent in crisis, and
particularly a single parent who doesn't have a supportive mate to count
on, will lean too heavily on his/her children for emotional support. I
talked with one single mother who, following a traumatic filing, began
asking her five-year-old girl daughter to sleep in her bed at night "so
Mommy won't feel so alone."

Although you may crave the support and comfort of your family right
now, try not to go overboard. While kids need to be kept informed of a
family crisis, they shouldn't be made to feel responsible for fixing
it.

Many kids naturally will want to help out. One nine-year-old boy
began dancing on the streets for money; he thought this new "income"
would help cheer up his out-of-work father. As touching as such an act
may be, it's a parent's responsibility to be his child's caretaker, not
the other way around.

If your child is clearly feeling responsible for making things
better, you can simply say, "I know I've been feeling bad and that you
want to help. And I want you to know that I really appreciate it and love
you for it. But sometimes people have to feel sad for a while. I'll feel
fine again soon. The most important thing for you to know is that I'll
always be able to take care of you. You don't ever have to worry about
that. I love you very much and it makes me feel good just to know you
love me, too."

6. Ease any necessary transitions. If you're out of work for a long
time, you may have to make some adjustments in your child's routine. In
that case, prepare your child for any changes you'll have to make.

Suppose that an extended period of unemployment forces you to pull
your six-year-old out of private school and put her into public
kindergarten. First of all, try to do it at the beginning of the new
term, when the transition will be more natural. Then, explain to your
child what is going to happen. You can say, "I've found a wonderful new
school that I would like you to try. I met the teacher and she is very
nice and the children seem like a lot of fun, too. Tomorrow, we'll go
over to see the new school and you can meet the teacher."

Then take the child over to the school, introduce her to the
teacher and, if possible, let her spend an hour or so there. Also,
explain anything about her routine that will be different--who will take
her to school, how she'll get home, where she'll eat her lunch. And be
sure to answer any questions as honestly and simply as possible.

7. Seek outside help, if necessary. Sometimes children act in ways
that signal their distress. Regressive behavior such as clinginess,
withdrawing from friends, loss of appetite, disturbed sleep, a sudden
drop in grades at school, a return to former bad habits such as
bed-wetting, and an increase in behavioral problems at school, may be
signs that your child is having trouble coping. If your child is mature
enough, try talking with her about how she's feeling. Spending a little
extra "quality time" with your youngster may also help. But if the
uncharacteristic behavior persists for more than a few weeks, you should
seek outside help. Your child's pediatrician can help you find a
qualified mental-health-care professional.

8. Hold your emotions in check. Nothing disturbs a child more than
seeing a parent who is emotionally out of control. A certain amount of
sadness is appropriate when you've just lost your job, and there's
nothing wrong with showing your child that sometimes Mom or Dad feels
sad. But crying and breast-beating should be reserved for times when your
children are safely out of earshot. Otherwise, you'll threaten your
children's confidence in your ability to take care of them no matter
what.

The same holds true if you're the spouse of the person who's out of
work. You need to avoid mirroring his or her stress, because your kids
will be looking to you for reassurance that their world is still safe. If
you're nervous or distraught and convey that to your kids, they think,
"Well, I guess we really are in trouble if both Mom and Dad are this
worried."

And although anger is a normal reaction to losing your job, try not
to take it out on the kids. Find another way to ventilate your pain: Talk
to your spouse or your friends; find a support group; seek therapy, if
necessary; throw your energy into an exhaustive job hunt. But don't let
your kids bear the brunt of your rage.

9. Hold family meetings. The importance of pulling together during
trying times is one of the most noteworthy lessons parental job loss can
teach children. To underscore that message and help each member of the
family deal with this crisis, hold weekly family meetings where everyone
has an opportunity to speak and share. The unemployed parent may offer an
update on his or her job hunt. (Don't give too many details if the search
isn't going well, though. You don't want to add to the children's
anxiety.) Then, each family member can express what's been hard about
this time and what's been fun about it. Having to postpone buying those
new sneakers was hard, but having Dad at home to play basketball with
after school was great. Family conclaves also give parents the
opportunity to remind a child of the contribution he's made. Simply
saying, "You know, David, your dusting the living room this week has
saved me a lot of time that I was able to put into my job hunt. You were
really a big help to me."

Dr. Saunders, who strongly recommends these meetings, suggests
holding them on Sunday nights. "Sundays are family days," she explains.
"It's a slower time, a chance to regroup and prepare for the week ahead.
And it's a time when the kids can have Mom and Dad's undivided attention,
which is especially important during this stressful period."

10. Boost your own spirits. Children sense when a parent is upset;
they notice increased irritability, sadness, or distraction. And often,
kids feel that they are to blame for their parent's distress. To
counteract these feelings and to help you get moving again, put some time
and effort into buoying your deflated spirits.

Redoubling your efforts to be a good parent--spending more time
with your kids, for instance--is mutually beneficial. Your kids will feel
happier, and their happiness cannot help but cheer you up. Maintaining
some kind of daily routine, exercising regularly, eating a low-fat,
high-carbohydrate diet, and spending time with supportive friends will
also make you feel better about yourself. Of course, the best antidote to
these pink-slip blues is getting another job. But that will come with
persistence, time, and a little bit of luck. In the meantime, though,
keeping yourself together--for your sake as well as your kids'--has never
been more important.

From Talking to Your Child About a Troubled World, by Lynne S.
Dumas, copyright (c) 1992 (Fawcett/Columbine).