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Key points
- Highly sensitive children's deep processing makes them more likely to have a pessimistic outlook.
- They keenly analyze everything, which can take them to a dark place, wondering and worrying, "What if...?"
- Helping them reconsider their perspective and mindset starts with validation and acceptance of their feelings.
"Our little guy was having so much fun watching a mountain biking reel with his dad. He asked where the mountain was. When we told him it was in another country called Canada, he burst into tears. Through the sobbing, he told us it was because he was never going to see that bike trail because he is never leaving Australia."
The mom who shared this story added: "I think the most exhausting part of having an HSC (highly sensitive child) is not knowing what will throw them and turn our day into chaos."
Having this kind of negative thinking and pessimistic mindset is a common phenomenon for highly sensitive children. Their deep thinking and analysis result in a lot of "What-ifs?" and worry that can take them to a dark place.
I think that this is rooted in their intense need for control over their world. They feel overwhelmed on the inside because they don't have an "off" button; their brains are constantly working, trying to make sense of all they are processing. To cope, they try to control whatever they can on the outside. Thinking 20 steps ahead ensures they will be prepared for anything—they feel in control of all potential outcomes. Preparing for the worst protects them from the unexpected but can also lead to a bleak outlook, as evidenced by proclamations like:
- "I'm never going to be able to make it." (across the monkey bars)
- "We're never going to find it!" (the missing puzzle piece)
- "I'm never going to make friends at the new school. Nobody is going to like me."
Naturally, the parental impulse is to refute your child's proclamation—to talk them out of the negativity that feels so detrimental to them. We want them to have a "growth mindset" and feel optimistic and confident.
The problem is that this kind of response rarely changes the child's perspective and can, in fact, exacerbate their negativity. They sense you are trying to talk them out of their feelings. In reaction, children often double down on their "position." Every one of your talking points is met with a more fierce rebuttal.
What I find helps HSCs reconsider their assessment of the situation and themselves is to:
In a quiet, not heated moment, help your child understand how their brain works.
"You have an amazing brain that thinks so hard about everything. That makes you incredibly smart and creative. Sometimes, all that deep thinking can overwhelm your brain, and the worry part of your brain takes over and makes you think that something bad or uncomfortable will happen."
This gives your child insight into what makes them tick in a way that is validating and non-judgmental. I also find "anthropomorphizing" the brain to be a very helpful tool. It gives children a sense of control over it—that it's not about their personhood but their brain.
Validate their experience.
You can't control your child's feelings or thoughts. What you do control is tuning in to, acknowledging, and showing understanding of their feelings. This is the first step in helping them gain self-awareness that opens the door to the possibility that they will eventually reconsider their perspective.
- "Getting across the monkey bars is a lot of work. Sounds like your worry brain is taking over and making you think you can't do it."
- "It's so frustrating to have a missing piece of a puzzle. That feeling is taking over your brain right now, and it feels overwhelming and like there is no way to solve this problem."
- "I know it feels scary to go to a new school. Those feelings are flooding your brain and making it hard to see the good things that can happen."
Ask if they want your help with problem-solving.
"Would you like to think together about how you might...tackle these monkey bars?....find the missing piece?...think about how to make new friends?"
Then, give your child space to decide. Let them know you are there for them when they are ready to try to solve the problem. Avoid cheerleading and coaxing, which can feel overwhelming in these moments and shut children down or amplify their defensive position. I find that when parents take this approach, even if their child is not able to partner with them to solve the problem in the moment, they are much more likely to calm down and ultimately seek out their parent's help when they are ready to persevere.
At that point, help them make a plan that breaks down the steps to make it feel more manageable. If they are open to hearing your ideas, introduce some playfulness to override their negative mindset. You might tell your child that you are going to share, say, five ideas. Their job is to analyze and rate them according to how helpful they are. This gives your child a sense of control at a time when they are feeling out of control.
When it comes to situations like the little guy and the despair over never seeing the bike trail in Canada, I find what helps is to acknowledge the feeling and then introduce the idea that over time they may feel differently. This is very different than jumping in to try to talk them out of the feeling. It may sound like:
"I know, it feels right now like you would never want to leave Australia. I felt that way, too, when I was your age. As I got older, I started to become interested in learning about other countries and then visited many. You'll have to see what interests you. Would you like to learn more about Canada?"
You might look at books or websites to help your child explore new ideas and places from the safety of your home. This approach meets your child where they are and introduces the idea that people are always learning and changing.
This is quite different than responding, "Of course, you are going to leave Australia at some point and see the world! It will be so fun!" which is trying to change or control the child's feelings, makes them defensive, and doesn't help them work through it.
Validating and accepting a child's experience is the first step and opens the door to the possibility that they will ultimately reflect on their feelings and reconsider their perspective.
