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In this time of coronavirus, many parents are wondering how to respond to children who are expressing difficult feelings, from missing friends, teachers and family members they can't see at this time, to feeling frustrated about having to wait for mom's attention while she is on a conference call. I have adapted this article to reflect our current times. Helping children learn to manage their emotions—one of a parent's most important jobs—has never been more essential.
Helping your children manage their emotions starts on day one
It wasn’t that long ago that the conventional wisdom was that babies were pretty much blobs who didn’t think or feel much before they could speak in words around age 2. The idea that a 6-month-old could feel fear or anger, let alone sadness and grief, was unimaginable. But thanks to an explosion in research on infancy in the last 30 years, we now know that babies and toddlers are deeply feeling beings. Starting in the earliest months of life, well before they can use words to express themselves, babies have the capacity to experience peaks of joy, excitement, and elation. They also feel fear, grief, sadness, and anger. Research has also shown that children’s ability to effectively manage their full range of emotions—also known as self-regulation—is one of the most important factors for success in school, work, and relationships in the long-term.
While this resonates with parents in theory, I find in my work with families that putting it into practice is another story. In the moment, when their children express difficult emotions, parents get triggered. Their gut reaction is that these feelings are somehow detrimental to their children, so as loving parents, they need to make the bad feelings go away. Unconsciously, they are filtering these moments through the faulty mindset that having a happy child means he needs to be happy all the time (something I still have to keep reminding myself despite the fact that my children are in their twenties).
In fact, it is learning to accept and manage their full range of emotions that makes children happy because they are ready for anything. They are equipped to successfully navigate life’s ups and downs and feel confident to master the challenges they face as they grow.
A critical first step in helping your child learn to accept and manage his feelings is to acknowledge and embrace them—all of them. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Sadness and joy, anger and love, can co-exist and are all part of the collection of emotions that make us human and add color and richness to our lives. So, don’t fear the feelings. Welcome them. Here’s how.
Starting in the earliest months, tune in to your babies’ cues. Notice their sounds, facial expressions, and gestures—and respond sensitively. You do this when your little one shows distress over a sudden loud sound a toy makes and you respond: "Ooh, that didn't feel good to you. Let's put that toy away and find something else to play with." (Even though your baby doesn't understand the meaning of your words, she picks up on your calm, empathetic tone and your actions.) Or, when your baby repeatedly pushes the spoon away during mealtime, you acknowledge he is telling you that he is done eating and you put the food away, versus trying to force him to eat more (which sends the message that he doesn't know his own body and his cues aren't respected.) These are ways you communicate to your baby to trust his feelings, and that they are valid and important.
Don’t fear the feelings. Feelings are not the problem. It’s what we do—or don’t do—with them that can be problematic. So, get comfortable with your child’s discomfort. Listen openly and calmly when she shares difficult feelings. Avoid the temptation to make it all better. A mom shared that her 4-year-old recently announced that he thought the virus was going to come into their house and make them all sick. Her knee-jerk reaction was to immediately jump in and reassure him that this would never happen. But he persisted. When she course-corrected and acknowledged that she completely understood his fear, noting that many people are worried about this—he is not alone—he visibly relaxed. It was only after his feelings were validated that he was open to listening to her explanation of how they were keeping the house and family safe. I find it helpful to think of the people you want to talk to most when you are having a hard time. Chances are they are good listeners who are calm, accepting, and non-judgmental. They give you the space to sit with and reflect on your feelings. They don’t jump in to try to fix whatever you are struggling with. They trust that you are capable of managing the challenge you are facing. This is exactly what young children need, too: to be seen and understood and to know you have faith in their ability to learn to handle these strong emotions.
Label and help toddlers cope with feelings. Emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment can be overwhelming for young children. Naming these feelings is the first step in helping children learn to identify them and communicates that these feelings are normal and that you are not afraid of them; that you want to hear about them. As Mr. Rogers famously explained, "What is mentionable is manageable." This might mean acknowledging an 18-month-old’s anger at having to go back inside because mommy has to get back to work; validating a 2-year-old’s frustration at his block tower falling again and again; or, empathizing with a 3-year-old’s sadness about missing his grandparents who used take care of him several days a week before social distancing measures went into effect.
Avoid minimizing or talking children out of their feelings. This is a natural reaction—we just want to make the bad feelings go away (to make our children, and ourselves, feel better.) “Don’t be sad. You’ll see your friends and teachers again soon.” But feelings don’t just go away; they need to be expressed one way or another. When feelings are minimized or ignored, they often get expressed through aggressive words and actions, or by turning them inward, which can ultimately make children anxious or depressed. Further, reacting in this way sends the message to your child that you are uncomfortable with her feelings which makes her uncomfortable with her feelings. This makes it less likely she will have a chance to work through them. It also makes it less likely that she will feel safe sharing her emotions and experiences with you. Acknowledging a child’s strong feelings opens the door to helping her learn how to cope with them. “You are really missing your friends and teachers. That makes so much sense. You love them and have so much fun with them. It is hard not to be able to see them right now.” Responding in this way also sends your child the message that he can trust you with his deepest feelings. Once you have validated your child’s emotions, you can turn to helping him problem solve; for example, your child may want to draw a picture to send to his teacher or dictate an email to a friend. But don’t skip the step of validation—if you rush into problem-solving you are sending your child the message that you don’t want to hear about or can’t handle his feelings. This often leads to children upping the ante to be seen and heard.
Your job as a parent is not to protect your child from difficult emotions—that doesn’t lead to happiness in the long run. Muscling through challenges and learning to cope with disappointment, sadness, and loss—experiences they will inevitably face—is what builds strength and resilience and is ultimately what brings our children a sense of contentedness and well-being. You are their guide in sharing the joys and coping with the challenges. And it starts on day one.
