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Dear Dr. Jen,
Should I delete my ex and his family on Facebook? I have his mom and two sisters on FB, as well as the ex, and sometimes I feel I can't post anything that I would feel self-conscious about them seeing. I know his mom still checks out my profile occasionally. I am in no contact with all of them at the moment. I don't like feeling like they have power over what I post, and not sure deleting them is the answer. But what else can I do to minimize or control this feeling?
-M
Dear M,
Good question! I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer to this, but your letter has all the relevant facts. You feel self-conscious about what you post because your ex and his family are your friends. Your Facebook space is your space and they shouldn’t affect what you post there! Thus, you need to get rid of them one way or another.
There are a few options here. First, you can outright delete them as your friends. That will keep them from seeing anything you share with friends only (the default Facebook privacy setting). However, in some cases, they may still see your posts. For example, if you tag someone who is a mutual friend, your ex's family will be able to see the post. If you’d rather that not happen, you can also block them. They don’t get notified that you have done this, and with a block, they will never see anything you post. Aah ... total privacy!
If you are worried that they might notice an unfriend or block, and there’s a reason you want to minimize drama with them (e.g., if there are kids involved or if you otherwise have a relationship with them), you can do a custom setting on your posts to prevent them from seeing them. When you start to post, click on the “Friends” button next to “Post." This dictates who can see your post. Then click on “More Options” and then “Custom.” This will let you say exactly who can and can’t see your post. You can set it as visible to Friends and then, under “Don’t Share With” list your ex and his family. You could even make a little Facebook list with all of that family in it, and simply exclude that list. Once you do this one time, it will become your default setting. It’s more complicated than the unfriend or block, but in some instances it can maintain the peace.
Outside your personal situation, I don’t think there’s a general rule. I got married a couple years ago. I’m friends with some of my exes on Facebook, I’ve unfriended some, and I’ve blocked others. Ultimately, I think the test is whether they make your Facebook life better or worse. If you are friendly and can go on with your online life without any negative consequences, I don’t think it’s a problem to stay friends. If you feel monitored or self-conscious (like you do) or if the ex is posting comments that you’d rather not see, go ahead and delete them. One more step toward freedom from bad relationships!
Good luck!
Dr. Jen
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