The Power of Beliefs in Romantic Relationships

Disclaimer: Please note that the content in this piece refers only to non-abusive relationships.

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If you’re in a romantic relationship, take a moment and think about how happy you are with your partner. Okay, now imagine the ways in which your partner is good to you and tends to your relationship. What did you notice? Did you experience a sense of being highly gratified in your relationship? Were you able to think of loads of examples of your partner’s thoughtfulness and effort, or not much at all?

According to relationship science, if you’re really content in your relationship, you’re also pretty likely to be able to say that your partner does a host of good deeds on behalf of your relationship. But why is this the case? Relationship scholars have put forward various explanations to answer this question. In a paper that just came out, a team of researchers examined these disparate explanations to sort out which one has the most evidence behind it.

They examined the connection between the beliefs people have about what they think their partner is going to do, what they actually noticed their partner doing, and fulfillment in the relationship. They were also able to see how people’s expectations and what they noticed stacked up against what they and their partners truly did for the relationship. To do this, the researchers created a list of specific actions that a person could recognize (e.g., planning something fun to do together).

The results revealed that the evidence was most in line with the “perceptual confirmation hypothesis.” This is the idea that people have notions about what they think their partner is likely to do, and these ideas lead people to unwittingly observe what bolsters their beliefs. Specifically, the team found that individuals who anticipated that their partner would do kind, loving actions actually noticed these types of actions more. Notably, this was separate from what their partner actually did.

The researchers also found some evidence, albeit less, for the “reflection model.” This is the idea that how people feel in a relationship overall impacts what they believe their partner is going to do. In other words, people who were more content with their partner in general were more inclined to believe their partner would treat them well and behave in ways that would cultivate the relationship. Putting these two explanations together, the research team pointed out that their findings support the idea that people's general feelings in their relationship influence what kinds of actions they anticipate seeing their partner do (the "reflection model"), and what they anticipate seeing is what they actually end up noticing (the "perceptual confirmation hypothesis").

Of course, the research team was right to say that the study needs to be repeated with a larger number of participants before saying that a partner’s actions (separate from what actions a person notices their partner doing) don’t play a meaningful part in what people think and what actions they witness. They also correctly noted that their results don’t mean that a partner’s actions would never have the power to change someone’s ideas over time (e.g. if they consistently treated their partner in a thoughtless or unkind way).

However, as the researchers also pointed out, what their results do highlight is the importance of how we think about our partner. The story we tell ourselves matters. In that vein, the researchers noted that when partners see each other as having a track record of treating one another well and putting time and effort into the relationship, then those views will likely enable them to continue to see this kindness and thoughtfulness, even in those inevitable moments when one or both partners stumble.

So how might you apply this research to your own life? If you find yourself thinking that your partner won’t contribute to your relationship or isn’t going to act in an attentive or loving way, perhaps consider a little experiment. Whether it’s for a month, a week, or even a day, try seeing what would happen if you actively tried to look for your partner doing something kind, thoughtful, or effortful, no matter how minor it may seem. Then ask yourself what you noticed. Of course, it’s possible you may not notice anything different. On the other hand, perhaps a fuller picture of their consideration may come to light.