The Importance of Compassion and Empathy When Forgiving

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An essential aspect of forgiveness is the development and ability to extend compassion and foster empathy toward the people who wronged you. That might not sound correct; maybe you thought you read that sentence wrong or were about to doubt my expertise. I don't blame you. Often, it isn't our initial instinct to extend compassion and empathy toward those who hurt us. We want them to hurt as badly as we are hurt and to have them pay for what they have done. We want to take back what has been taken from us. We want our lives to be restored, and we want them to be the ones to put the pieces back together. It feels odd and unjust to feel compassion towards someone who might not deserve it. Offering kindness to someone who hasn't shown you the same respect and compassion you desire doesn't resonate with most people. How can one even begin to empathize with the villains in their story? How can we find it within ourselves to experience peace when the journey toward forgiveness is the opposite of what feels natural to us?

Let me be clear when I say compassion; it doesn't mean that what was done to you was OK or that you must let that person back in your life with open arms. It is important to look at your offender more humanely and in their context to practice forgiveness. Most likely, the person who hurt you was also profoundly injured at some point in their life. People who are happy and haven't been deeply hurt themselves aren't usually going around harming others. Looking closely enough at someone's story, you can understand them in their context. There is an untold story behind every act of anger, rage, assault, betrayal, and attack. Please take note that just because you are compassionate doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries. Compassion doesn't allow destructive behaviors; it allows you to understand better why people behave the way they do, and with that understanding, you can take the actions of others less personally and be more forgiving. You can also gain objectivity around what behaviors you might expect from that person.

Forgiveness and empathy are linked for an excellent reason. Feeling empathy for the struggles of others is powerful and healing. An empathetic person can visualize being in the other person's shoes and possibly even feel what it's like to be them. Empathy comes before compassion; empathy is the knowledge of how everyone is connected to everyone else. It is what we feel when we let ourselves know life from someone else's perspective. We don't have to agree with their choices to understand them. Empathy is vital in forgiveness because it allows us to see people as human beings. Even if it's just for a moment, we can see life through their eyes without judgment. In many societies, we place labels like evil, narcissist, and criminal on people who do wrong. We put them in a box, convincing ourselves that we are different than them. We believe that we make better choices and are pure good in our hearts.

However, when we seek empathy, we might discover that we are not so different from others, and if we were in the same position, we might have turned out the same way. That idea can be scary, but it also helps us let our guard down and be open to resolving unresolved hurt. It helps us acknowledge that people usually react from their pain; most of the time, they are not deliberately trying to hurt us. When forgiving, we need a combination of empathy and compassion; we must understand why something was done to forgive.

Self-Focused Compassion

Many of my clients, including myself, sometimes fall into the path of being overly compassionate and understanding to the offender that we forget about our hurt. So, in addition to compassion for others, you can also practice empathy for yourself. You deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. We often think in terms of either/or—I am wrong, or you're mistaken, I am right, or you are right, you are good, or I am good. Human relationships are a lot more complicated than that. Part of being compassionate is seeing things from a both/and perspective instead of either/or. This helps us live more in the gray area of life instead of only black and white. I deserve compassion, and so do you. My feelings are justifiable, and so are yours. I can be empathetic towards you and set boundaries to protect myself. I can develop empathy towards myself and you. I can think about how what you did was wrong and empathize with you.

Stimulate Empathy

When we can stimulate empathy for the pain and suffering that is part of the human experience, we create compassion for the shared struggle of being human in relationships. Compassion and empathy are what allow forgiveness to be possible. It pulls us from our narrow perspective: "I am hurt, and I am going to hold on to my anger." And it pushes us to open ourselves up to a broader view of, "What happened to me is part of a larger story—we are all trying our best, and sometimes that is not good enough."

Empathy opens the doors to genuine forgiveness because it widens our perspectives of ourselves, relationships, and life. When we empathize, we can understand that had we lived a different life; we might have made the same choices we find wrong in others. This brings a deep connection and understanding that opens us to healing, peace, and harmony. So, ask yourself, "What is the broader story of my pain?"

When shifting our perspective from our point of view, we have a better chance of understanding others. We can see that we were all born innocent babies, but we might have grown up in different circumstances that deeply affected who we become. Even if brought up in the same family, siblings are treated differently or have their limitations. We respond to life in ways that make sense to us and our upbringings.