Growing Beyond Independence: The Benefits of Interdependence

Teens Working Together

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We all want our children to be independent. That’s the goal, right? But what if there is something even better? I’m talking about interdependence. Interdependence is the ability to work with others to reach a goal or accomplish a task. It’s the recognition that you can’t always go it alone and some things are better when you work together. If you think about it, interdependence is what makes the world go round.

Why Growing Beyond Independence Is Necessary

Our society values independence. But fierce independence can be a defense mechanism and may actually hold you back. The adage, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself,” is an example of this. Perfectionists often share this mentality. Somewhere along the line, they developed the thinking that they can’t rely on others or that their way is best. This creates the feeling that you have to take on everything yourself. It prevents people from asking for help or accepting help when it is offered. They are essentially a one-person show. This is a recipe for stress, frustration, and burnout.

Independence is not a bad thing. We want our children to be able to function on their own. But once that’s accomplished, we want them to grow beyond independence and recognize the importance of interdependence. Sir Isaac Newton said, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.”

True growth comes in realizing the interconnectedness of the world. We all play our roles with our unique attributes, qualities, and characteristics. We all have areas of strength and areas for improvement. Interdependence is a necessary skill if you want to enjoy mutually supportive relationships, accomplish big goals, and sustain emotional well-being. This will benefit children in school and throughout adulthood as they transition to the workforce.

Types of Interdependence

In his book, Organizations in Action, sociologist James Thompson described three types of interdependence:

• Sequential Interdependence: You need someone else’s contribution before you can complete your part of the task. For example, in a group project, you may need the research from a group member before you can develop the PowerPoint presentation. One person’s ability to complete their work depends on another in a sequential order.
• Reciprocal Interdependence: Everyone is completing their part to accomplish the same goal, but it is not linear, like sequential interdependence. Sports teams are a great example of this. Everyone is working together for a win but there is no prescribed order in which things have to be done. Instead, everyone works together to accomplish the goal.
• Pooled Interdependence: Each person in a group or system has their own assigned task that they can complete independently. Then, at the end of the day, their collective efforts are pooled to contribute to the overall goal of the group. Chores are a fitting example of this. Each family member has assigned chores that can be completed alone but contributes to the overall family goal of maintaining a clean and orderly house.

Teaching Your Children About Interdependence

Now that you can see the importance of interdependence in everyday life, how do we teach it to our kids? The best way to support your children in understanding and embodying interdependence is to have intentional conversations around the topic.

Let them know it’s okay to ask for help. Talk to them about their strengths and what they are good at. What can they help people with? What do they help you with? Don’t forget to also ask them about the areas they struggle with and how they can ask for support in those areas.

Work together on sequential projects. Come up with a family art project or chore that requires each person to complete a part of the task before the next person can contribute. For example: Put together a family scrapbook where each member needs to contribute a page before passing it on to the next person. You can also divide up a chore. If your goal is to wash and put away the dishes, have one person unload the dishwasher and one person reload it. Then, the last person can be on pots and pans, etc.

Work together on pooled projects. Help each person develop a goal that could be accomplished within a week. Decide on a family reward when each person’s goal is reached (movies, bowling, movie night, family game, etc.). Hold each other accountable and be supportive.

Process your child’s experiences with groups. Kids are often involved in group projects, clubs, sports, etc. Talk to them about what they like and dislike about each of these activities. How do they feel about group work? Capitalize on the interdependent activities they are already involved with.

Help them identify the strengths of others. This will help them break away from the do-everything-myself mentality and value the contributions of others.

Be a model for interdependence. Discuss ways you rely on people in your professional and personal life. Verbalize aloud when you are struggling with something and need to ask for help. This allows our kids to hear what might normally be our inner dialog. This can be very simple. If I am having trouble figuring something out on my computer, I can verbalize it and then follow up with, "I think I should ask [insert name of tech-savvy person here] for help."