Are You and Your Teenager in a One-Sided Relationship?

The word codependency was originally used to describe a relationship in which one person was an alcoholic and the other partner "enabled" their alcoholic behaviour (for instance, in turning a blind eye and taking over the alcoholic partner’s responsibilities). Both parties were said to "benefit" in this dysfunctional relationship. The alcoholic gets to keep drinking and the partner feels needed and may be able to exert control as a result of the dependency on them. These days, the term codependency is often used to describe an inherently one-sided relationship in which one person desperately needs to be needed and is dependent on approval from the other person for their sense of identity and self-worth.

Source: Ian Allenden 123rf

Codependency is often thought of in the romantic context— but such one-sidedness is a characteristic of many parent-child relationships and may be caused by a number of situations in which a child is made to feel needed (as opposed to simply loved) or where they feel responsible for managing a difficult family dynamic. These situations may include:

• Providing practical and emotional support for a physically or mentally ill parent
• The presence of abusive or addictive parental behaviour
• Feeling responsible for causing problems within the family and between parents
• Feeling responsible for providing solutions to chaotic and unstable family dynamics (for instance, by trying to keep the peace)
• Becoming one parent’s "significant other" and taking on the role of adult partner
• Being the sole focus of their parent
• Being a friend to a parent
• Having a narcissistic parent who identifies their child as an extension of themselves
• Being raised by very controlling parents.

Children raised in all of the above situations will grow up with a sense of responsibility and focus which is directed outwith themselves. The relationship isn’t about having a healthy degree of respect and compassion towards a parent. The child's entire identity is shaped by their relation to a parent or significant other. Being needed, pleasing, and meeting the needs of the parent are far more important than meeting one’s own needs. Symptoms of children who are dependent on their parent in this way include:

• Having poor boundaries between oneself and parent
• Focusing attention on a parent
• Being reliant on affection and attention from a parent other to feel good
• Feeling jealous if a parent has other friends and interests
• Doing things for a parent that the parent should be doing for themselves
• Feeling the need to control situations
• Adopting people-pleasing behaviours
• Feeling a need to rescue a parent
• Prioritising the needs of a parent over one’s own needs
• Ignoring, diminishing or being unaware of one’s own needs
• Being affected by the moods of a parent.

When a child learns that their sense of self-worth is defined primarily in relation to the person they love the most (their parent), they will often seek out romantic relationships which provide them with the same role. They may also have a problem forming other close attachments or leaving home because of the degree of responsibility they feel for a parent.

The issue may become particularly acute as a child becomes a teenager and faces a conflict between wanting to leave home, go to university, move in with a partner and a need to stay and look after the parent. The child may be choosing boy/girlfriends who need a lot of help and support and that they are displaying poor boundaries between themselves and their partner. They may display poor self-esteem and find it hard to define or express their needs.

It’s important not to blame yourself if you feel you have created a such a one-sided relationship with your child. Perhaps you have experienced mental or physical illness, have been in an abusive relationship, or gone through a painful divorce and have turned to your child for support. Perhaps you were raised in similar circumstances yourself and are acting in the only way you have learned.

What is important to know is that you can begin to change the situation. The first step in doing so is to recognise that your child is dependent within your relationship. You may have thought you had a "close relationship," but perhaps the boundaries between being paren’ and friend a bit blurry.

Do you feel you need the emotional and practical support of your child? Does your child display symptoms of such dependency towards you and others?

Alcoholism Essential Reads

The Truth About the Health Benefits of Alcohol

Heading Off Alcohol Use Disorder

• Foster a sense of independence in your teenager.
• Create appropriate boundaries between yourself and child (for instance, don’t discuss intimate details of your life with your child).
• Listen to your child’s opinions and accept that it’s OK for them to have challenging opinions.
• Be the parent, not the friend.
• Seek out a social network to provide you with the support you need.
• Seek out new interests so that your focus is not your child
• Provide reasoned advice but don’t see all of your child’s romantic partners as a threat.
• Avoid "guilting’"your child into spending time with you.
• Don’t put pressure on your child to care for you (either now or in later life).

Taking the above steps is difficult, and you may be worried about "losing" your child. However, if you keep doing things the way you are, you risk pushing your child away entirely. You also risk making your child’s transition into adulthood much harder as they experience conflict between what they want to do and what they feel they need to do for your sake.

Being raised in a one-sided relationship ultimately limits people’s options, and it’s important to address the relationship in order for your teenager to embrace the life options that are available to them.