Their Own Words

Source: Kristin Meekhof

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

This is a popular childhood phrase I grew up hearing and occasionally saying on the playground at my elementary school. And earlier this month, the phrase unexpectedly popped back into my mind at a strange place—a parking lot.

The Michigan post office I frequent is in a strip mall and only allows a small number of people to enter at a time, due to social distancing standards. As I was walking towards the door to see how many were inside I heard a female voice behind me say, "Stupid Chinese."

No one else was near me, and I knew the comment was directed at me. However, the description wasn't true. I'm not Chinese; I'm Korean American. I don't consider myself to be a genius, but I don't think I'm stupid.

I did not turn around. I walked into the post office, mailed my package, and left. After getting into my car, that phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" ran through my mind. I knew too that phrase for the most part wasn't accurate either. Words do have power and when mixed together in a certain combination along with a mean intent, they can hurt and do damage.

While this small story isn't told with eloquence or doesn't have an ending of forgiveness. The woman never identified herself or apologized to me, I still think it is worth sharing to remind others, including practitioners, that racial comments hurt. An impulse is often to tell someone to "get over it" or stop being so sensitive because the topic is uncomfortable.

As mental health practitioners, we read about other cultures and groups of people who differ from our own—partly to learn from the experiences of others and also to encourage our peers to have conversations to heighten our awareness and sensitivity when it comes to social and racial injustice. Yet, what happens when someone tells you a narrative like mine?

If someone received a comment like the one I shared, chances are this isn't the first time this happened. And it also isn't the first time they felt someone didn't appreciate the significance of their hurt. Yes, mean-spirited and hateful things happen beyond one's control, but what can shape the conversation between two friends or a professional is one's response.

All too often we want to carefully tailor our efforts to appear kind and professional, but do it at warp speed. Avoiding this racial and cultural terrain will likely create a barrier. You may think it is granular, but if you gloss over it, the person telling you will remember it as a flare. Deep listening and empathy are best done with clarity, respect, and a willingness to be truly present with the pain.