Are Narcissists More Attracted to Someone Who Is “Taken"?

We are all familiar with the concept of forbidden fruit, where something that is off-limits is viewed as more desirable. In a romantic context, this often includes an attraction to someone else’s spouse or partner. We justifiably denounce mate poaching in any context. Yet we sometimes accuse narcissists of engaging in this practice to boost their egos. Is that true? Does their sense of entitlement overcome their sense of decency? Research presents some interesting results.

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Noticing Narcissism: Grandiose Qualities on Display

Amy B. Brunell et al. (2018) explored specifically whether narcissists are attracted to others based on relationship status,[i] examining the practice of mate poaching by participants who exhibit traits of grandiose narcissism.

Brunell et al. describe grandiose narcissism as marked by arrogance, selfishness, an inflated view of self, and a high amount of extraversion paired with low amounts of agreeableness and neuroticism. They note that grandiose narcissists view themselves as unique, special, and entitled. Perhaps accordingly, they take advantage of other people, feel less guilt, and experience reduced levels of moral reasoning about day-to-day behavior that could be harmful to others. But there is a perceived bright side. Brunell et al. explain that despite their negative qualities, grandiose narcissists are socially skilled and charming, allowing them to rise to positions of power and leadership. Unfortunately, one way they maintain relational power is by keeping their partners guessing about their level of commitment and interest.

Spotting the Short Timer

Regarding relational style, Brunell et al. note that grandiose narcissists are more likely to endorse casual sex without commitment, have more sexual partners, and prefer short-term relationships. They also note that a craving for influence and power links grandiose narcissism with sexual attitudes and behavior, including sexual coercion for women, and sexual aggression among men.

Regarding relational choice, grandiose narcissists report more frequent mate poaching, defined as behaviors deployed with an intent to attract someone to engage in a sexual encounter who is already in a romantic relationship with someone else. No doubt aiding this endeavor is the fact that grandiose narcissists are perceived as “sexy,” potentially exciting sexual desire in others. Brunell et al. recognize that individuals who intentionally engage in self-enhancement are better able to attract a greater number of short-term sexual partners. They also note that perhaps not surprisingly, grandiose narcissists tend to inflate their own ratings of their attractiveness, which can lead them to pursue short-term relationships with others who are “out of their league.”

An Appetite for Forbidden Fruit, or Merely a Fling?

Brunell et al. note that although grandiose narcissists tend to report short-term mate poaching, there is a question regarding whether they are more interested in pursuing people who are already in relationships rather than people who are single. In their research, they found that grandiose narcissists were not more interested in drawing someone away from an existing relationship, but instead, considered their own relationship status when evaluating interest in someone else, either for a fling or a long-term relationship. They conclude that apparently, grandiose narcissists pursue whoever interests them the most, regardless of the other person’s relationship status.

The bottom line appears to be that considering the undesirable traits narcissists bring to a relationship, the best practice is to steer clear of others seeking short-term uncommitted romance. Ideal partners showcase a desire to cultivate healthy, happy, wholesome relationships with an eye toward long-term relational quality and stability.

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