Rekindle Your Romance Through Kindness

Picking flower petals and pondering whether “He loves me,” or “He loves me not” is no way to experience a romantic relationship. Of course, you should be attentive and responsive to your partner’s emotions and needs, but not to the extent that you lose your own values or sense of individuality. Instead of viewing your partner’s affect and disposition as your personal mood ring, keep your eye on the prize: your own positive values. Research reveals how the ability to experience an enjoyable, quality relationship depends not on your partner, but on you.

Source: Image by Rachel Scott from Pixabay

Relationships Are Better With Benevolence

We all know people who despite a partner’s moodiness or bad behavior, always seem to be peaceably weathering the storm. Their kindness never wavers, nor does their positive outlook on life, despite their partner’s complaints or negativity. How do they do it? Apparently, the answer has more to do with their own value system rather than the disposition of their partner.

Researchers (van der Wal et al, 2024) examined the role of personal values in romantic relationship satisfaction.[i] They tested the link between romantic relationship quality and personal values while investigating mediating factors: attitudes that are pro-relationship, intrinsic relationship motivation, communal strength, and entitlement. They found that possessing self-transcendence values such as benevolence and universalism was linked with higher-quality relationships. Regarding who derives the benefits of personal values, they found that self-transcendence primarily influenced an individual’s own relationship quality, not that of their partner.

Not All Values Are Created Equally

The researchers found that not all values improve relationships. Although self-transcendence values were strongly and consistently related to higher romantic relationship quality, self-enhancement and openness to change had a weak and inconsistent relationship with relationship quality. Their explanation: the link between self-transcendence values and romantic relationship quality stems from enhanced levels of pro-relational attitudes as well as two important motivational relationship-supporting factors: communal strength and intrinsic relationship motivation.

In terms of a practical explanation, apparently, embracing prosocial ideals can influence the way individuals people perceive their own relationships. van der Wal et al. explain that a focus on helping others because of valuing self-transcendence is expressed through enhanced pro-relational attitudes, a penchant for relational maintenance, and enhanced responsiveness to a partner’s needs. Considering how these outcomes are all likely to benefit romantic relationships of every kind, it is no surprise that van der Wal et al. characterize their findings as in furtherance of the exploration of both the role of values in romantic relationship functioning and well-being.

Relationship Satisfaction Starts With You

If you find yourself in the throes of a challenging relationship, remember that you can only control your own behavior. The same attitude governs your value system—you can be content in any circumstance if you maintain your relationship ideals. Loving a negative partner can be challenging, burdensome, and frustrating. But as you navigate a potential course for relationship improvement or evaluate other options, you can maintain comfort and consistency by refusing to waver from your positive mindset. Enlist the support of friends, family, and your faith community to help you maintain hope and optimism as you make the best of every day. In every circumstance, kindness, compassion, and understanding are pro-social ways to navigate conflict, promote peace, and extend grace.