How Conversational Choices Can Boost or Kill Attraction

Most of us meet new people every week. At work, at school, at the grocery store. But we only remember a fraction of new faces. Why? In most cases, it depends not on the physical but the topical. For better or for worse, we remember people based on what they say and how they make us feel. Along these lines, we love being asked about ourselves—as long as a stranger doesn’t get too personal too quickly. Research explains.

Topical or Taboo

Hye Eun Lee et al. (2020) examined the impact of taboo conversation topics on impression formation.[i] They investigated how conversation topics such as religion, being arrested, and body weight affected impression formation as well as task performance.

In the study, 109 women had a conversation with another woman believed to be a fellow participant who was actually a confederate. The researchers manipulated conversation topics and task performance of the confederate. They also measured the participants’ satisfaction of communication, their perception of the confederate’s physical, social, and task attractiveness, as well as their task performance. Lee et al. found, among other things, that confederates who discussed appropriate rather than taboo topics made more positive impressions, and their task performance was viewed more positively.

Disclosure Prompts Reciprocity

The researchers note that authentic and accurate self-disclosure has benefits for psychological well-being. When appropriate, self-disclosure encourages relationship development and creates a sense of closeness and connection. Appropriate topics include sharing one’s occupation or hobbies because such information is part of the foundation upon which to build a relationship; self-disclosure as an essential component of both forming and maintaining friendships. On the other hand, there can be too much of a good thing.

Lee et al. note that according to social penetration theory, too much self-disclosure too early can be detrimental, making the overdisclosing individual seem dysfunctional. In addition, the information recipient may feel pressure to reciprocate at the same level of self-disclosure, which makes some people uncomfortable.

The appropriate depth and amount of self-disclosure is guided by social and cultural norms. A violation of the norms by bringing up taboo topics during conversation, for example, creates a sense of discomfort and potential threat.

Avoid Too Much Too Soon

Interpersonal disclosure moves at a pace that makes both parties comfortable and usually depends on the relationship. Lee et al. note that parties initially operate within norms of reciprocity, using the “where are you from” example as an appropriate exchange. They note it would be inappropriate to refuse to disclose information when it is expected or, on the flip side, revealing information at an inappropriate time. One example would be a person who continues to ask increasingly probing questions while keeping his or her personal details private.

As for a topical timeline, they note that within the first two hours of conversation, it would be inappropriate to share information related to income, sexual behavior, or personal problems. Appropriate topics include sports, current events, cultural events, or the offering of congratulations, while taboo topics include politics, sex, religion, and money. Other research (Cheng, 2003) notes that discussing taboo topics such as racial and ethnic stereotypes can be face-threatening for everyone; they threaten public self-image, causing the parties to feel insulted, uncomfortable, or embarrassed.

Topical Attraction

Lee et al. note that appropriate self-disclosure enhances social attractiveness. The bottom line appears to be that during relationship development, whether personal or professional, following appropriate social and cultural norms regarding appropriate self-disclosure will cause the speaker to be viewed as more attractive, competent, and likely to be remembered—fondly.

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