The Benefits of Matching Your Partner's Love Language

Romantic partners express and receive love differently. Some gush with verbal expressions of love and devotion, some are physically affectionate, and others give thoughtful gifts. Some partners demonstrate commitment by carefully guarding date night to ensure that nothing prevents spending quality time focused on showering paramours with selective attention. But what happens when one partner shows their love in a way that is not ideally received by their mate?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Matching Love Languages

Olha Mostova and colleagues (2022) in a paper entitled “I Love the Way You Love Me” explored relational satisfaction in the context of response to a partner’s love language preferences.[i] They cite Chapman’s Love Languages hypothesis that partners vary regarding how they prefer to receive and express affection, and also that romantic partners “who communicate their feelings congruent with their partner’s preferences” enjoy a higher level of relationship quality.

Mostova and colleagues examined five distinct preferences for the expression of love:

1. Acts of Service
2. Physical Touch
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Quality Time
5. Gifts

They studied the responses of 100 heterosexual couples, assessing preferences and behavioral tendencies for both expressions of love and reception of affection for each of the five proposed “love languages.” They noted the degree of mismatch within a couple based on discrepancies between a partner’s preferred and their partner’s expressed love language. They found that matching love languages was linked with both relationship and sexual satisfaction. Partners who expressed affection in the manner in which their partners preferred to receive it enjoyed a higher quality of relational and sexual satisfaction compared with partners who were less effective in meeting their partner’s needs.

How do partners perceive and meet reciprocal needs? One way would be through carefully perceiving responses to different types of expressed love and affection.

Perceiving Positivity

Perceptive partners can read the responses of significant others to different forms of affection expressed through individualized “love languages.” Mostova and colleagues elaborating on Chapman’s work identifying the five distinct ways partners demonstrate and seek to receive signs of commitment describe “love languages,” each of which partners should be able to identify through behavior:

1) Words of affirmation—including statements of appreciation or verbal compliments

2) Quality time—implying couple time involving mutually focused attention

3) Receiving gifts as tangible, visual symbols of affection

4) Acts of service such as helping each other with necessary tasks

5) Physical touch—which can include everything from hand-holding to sexual activity

Regarding gender, Mostova and colleagues did not find any significant differences regarding relationship and sexual satisfaction or in the overall level of love language mismatch. They did find, however, that women scored higher than men on four of the five feeling scales, which indicated elevated levels of need, especially regarding desires for quality time and words of affirmation. The researchers note that this finding is in contrast with previous research suggesting that men rely more on their partners for emotional and social support than women do. They suggest that perhaps men are more dedicated to “fulfilling the social role of being in a committed relationship” than engaging in specific affectionate behaviors, in contrast to women, who seek to receive more visible signs of a partner’s love.

Attention Enhances Affection

Remaining attentive to a partner’s response to different types of affection can facilitate matching love language style and response to improve relational quality. Some partners light up like a Christmas tree in response to a heartfelt compliment from their spouse, others are verbally effusive in thanking a partner for their assistance, support, or encouragement in different areas. Because behavioral dynamics are unique within couples, loving attention to partner preferences will enable individuals to appreciate and match love styles, which will enhance relational quality, satisfaction, and ultimately, success.