Why Some Potential Partners Prefer to Move Slowly

Many first dates involve one or both parties calling it a night before either party turns into a pumpkin—in other words, the date ends before midnight. But is ending a date sooner rather than later such a bad thing? Does it signal disinterest, or desire? Perhaps it matters if we are talking Friday night or Sunday night. But in all cases, rushing into intimacy before both parties are ready rarely benefits a relationship long-term. So if you are out with someone who respectfully calls it a night sooner than you expected, you should not interpret that necessarily as a sign of disinterest.

Romance and Respect

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Some casual daters are polite partners because they cannot bring themselves to treat another person badly, even if they are not interested in pursuing the relationship long term. Other daters are not interested in significant relationships in the first place, prioritizing the superficial over the serious. How do you tell the difference? According to research, perhaps through other personality traits.

Menelaos Apostolou (2017) examined the reasons some people choose to stay single in a piece aptly entitled “Why People Stay Single.”[i] Among other findings, he shares his conclusion that people who prefer casual dating to serious relationships usually score low in conscientiousness and agreeableness. He opines that one reason for this may be that kind and conscientious people may find it difficult to pursue a romantic interest, have sex, then abandon the partner to move on to the next person. Accordingly, he notes that the higher people score in conscientiousness and agreeableness, the lower scores they gave in the domain of “freedom of choice,” which includes factors related to the desire to be free from relational constraints, and being free to flirt with others or pursue other goals.

Interestingly, Apostolou also opined that people with high levels of conscientiousness and agreeableness may also prefer to stay single if they face challenging circumstances such as a health problem, in order to avoid burdening a prospective partner.

Forgoing the Fling: Friends First

We all know people who developed “feelings” for a friend—often leading to a fulfilling relationship. In light of Apostolou’s research, we can imagine that people who casually date and test the chemistry without physical involvement avoid the moral entanglement involved in having casual sexual activity, but may still be mentally predisposed to avoid leading someone on. This might result in polite dating behavior, but avoiding conversation about future romance.

Consequently, the fact that someone wants to move slowly does not mean they are not interested. Slow and steady wins the relational race if you are spending time with someone who is not on a romantic time schedule, has other issues to deal with, or simply needs more time to get to know you. So if you are potentially interested in a platonic partner, avoiding too much too soon can build a strong foundation for a rewarding romance in the future.