Relationships
The Best Topics to Maintain Long-Distance Relationships
To sustain relationships from afar, conversation subjects matter.
Posted May 11, 2021 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Separation has the potential to strengthen relationships and enhance closeness between romantic partners.
- The frequency with which couples are likely to discuss certain subjects depends on the method of communication.
- Talking about love may be linked to greater relationship satisfaction, and discussing problems may be linked to less relationship satisfaction.
Matches made in heaven must be maintained on earth—even if two people live on opposite sides of the planet. How can couples keep the fire alive from afar?
One of the tips I have shared involves the comfort of consistent communication. But about what? If couples talk frequently, what do they talk about? Won’t they run out of topics? And as anyone who has attempted to keep the flame burning during a long-distance romance knows, topics matter. Thankfully, research can provide some guidance.
The Importance of Communication
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Long-distance couples are separated often by time and space, especially when on opposite sides of the globe. Yet such relationships can both survive and thrive. Positive pairings involve intentional relational maintenance behavior, including lots of time-zone compatible communication. Regarding the preference for certain topics of conversation, apparently, communication method matters.
Sarah P. Carter et al. (2018) investigated topics of conversation between military couples during periods of deployment.[i] Although separation presents difficulties for some relationships, the authors note that deployments also have the potential to strengthen relationships and enhance closeness between romantic partners.
When it comes to keeping romance alive, not surprisingly, military couples emphasize the importance of communication in staying connected while separated. Consistent communication is important for all couples who are geographically challenged—separated either temporarily or for an extended period of time.
Topics Depend on Communication Type
Carter et al. found the frequency with which couples were likely to discuss certain subjects depended on the type of communication. They found that synchronous communication was primarily used for friendship talk, whereas letters were used for both friendship talk and love talk. Both synchronous communication and letters included less discussion about problems than other topics.
However, not all long-distance communication involves deep discussion. Carter et al. note that the high frequency with which couples engaged in friendship talk through both letters and synchronous communication reveals how couples often communicate merely to catch up, joke around, or “simply chat.”
Something to Talk About: Love, Friendship, Problems
When it comes to content, couples should consider not only what they talk about, but how they talk. An issue of primary importance when couples are separated is relationship satisfaction. Carter et al. found that love talk through synchronous media was linked with more relationship satisfaction, while problem talk over synchronous media was linked with less.
Couples reported significantly more friendship talk than love or problem talk through synchronous communications such as video calls or phone calls, and described friendship talk as taking up almost half of their synchronous communication. In letters (yes people still write letters), couples reported similar levels of friendship talk and love talk, but very little problem talk.
When talking love, contrary to both expectations and prior research, Carter et al. found that love talk was significantly and positively associated with relationship satisfaction only when engaged in synchronous communication. They suggest this might reflect modern access to synchronous communication, but also note that real-time interaction can enhance the potency of affirming, loving words, and facilitate immediate reciprocation. They also recognize that synchronous communication allows partners to hear each other’s voices and even see faces through video calling, which can enhance the positive impact of expressed sentiments.
Keep Talking
Apparently, real-time talking promotes positive communication. Relegating negativity to the written word, and spending the majority of quality time in positive, real-time expressions of love and affirmation can help relationships both survive and thrive, even from afar.
References
[i] Carter, Sarah P., Laura J. Osborne, Keith D. Renshaw, Elizabeth S. Allen, Benjamin A. Loew, Howard J. Markman, and Scott M. Stanley. 2018. “Something to Talk about: Topics of Conversation between Romantic Partners during Military Deployments.” Journal of Family Psychology, Recent Advances in Understanding of Relationship Communication During Military Deployment, 32 (1): 22–30. doi:10.1037/fam0000373.