Family Conflict May Increase on Holidays for 3 Key Reasons

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Home for the holidays may sound like a dream, but it can be a nightmare for some families.

Bickering, arguing, and sometimes physical altercations can quickly derail the holiday spirit. Earlier this year, a friend reported a shoving match between her two uncles that resulted in the Thanksgiving dinner table being turned over—food and all.

That’s right, food and all.

What causes so much emotional tension during the holidays for some families?

3 key reasons for holiday family meltdowns

In recovery circles, the six weeks between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve is often referred to as the “Holiday Trifecta” or the “Recovery Bermuda Triangle,” a time when coping skills are stressed, and there is an increased chance of relapsing into destructive behaviors.

Here’s why you may experience heightened stress levels:

1. Exhaustion

Holidays are the busiest travel days of the year, resulting in crowded airports, packed trains, flight delays, traffic jams, and sold-out car rental dealerships. You may find yourself sleeping on airport floors, standing in long lines for restrooms, or carpooling with your hygiene-challenged uncle or unmedicated bipolar aunt.

Your nerves may be shot when you arrive at your family’s home. Add too little sleep and last-minute shopping, and you’re primed for a full-scale emotional meltdown.

2. Regression

For some people, returning to their childhood home is like returning to a crime scene. Whatever trauma they may have experienced as a child, such as divorce or abuse, they may find themselves flooded with unhappy childhood memories. (See "Do You Suffer From Holiday Depression?")

To make matters worse, once in the company of their parents and siblings, an emotional regression occurs, triggering immature childhood behaviors to resurface, such as rivalry, competition, grudges, tensions, and deep-seated resentments. Even with years of therapy under your belt, a problematic family holiday is still challenging to tolerate.

3. Overindulgence

Unfortunately, the holidays tend to be a time of overindulgence. Dietary practices are tossed out, and overeating takes their place. Add the consumption of alcohol or drugs at family gatherings, and, well, you get the idea. Mood-altering substances result in poor judgment, faulty decision-making, and lapses in impulse control. (See "How to Survive Holiday Dinners.")

How to avoid the holiday family conflicts

To keep family drama from escalating, consider these suggestions:

1. Lay off the booze: No good can come from overdrinking at family gatherings.
2. Arrive well rested: Take a nap, book a hotel the night before, and arrive refreshed.
3. Take breaks: Walk, get fresh air, clear your head—especially if you’re irritable.
4. Step away from conflicts: Politics and other hot topics must be avoided.
5. Avoid triggering topics: Not the time for processing sensitive family memories.
6. Have an escape plan: If all goes wrong, duck out and have a plan to leave early.
7. Eat moderately: Stress eating makes you hate yourself and resent your hosts.