The Voice of Panic Attacks

Source: Getty images, used with permission

"It just happened again. I was having a good day. Work went well, I had lunch with an old friend, and my commute home was smooth. After dinner, I decided to take a hot shower and watch a movie. After all, it was Friday night. Why not unwind and enjoy a quiet evening?

The moment I stepped out of the shower, my chest felt tight, my breathing became harder, my fingers and hands went numb. "No!" I said as I wrapped myself in a towel and ran to my bedroom.

I had another panic attack.

If you’re never had one, let me tell you, it feels like you’re dying. Your heart beats so fast you think it’s going to burst. Your body betrays you. Then the negative thoughts start. You feel like you're going crazy. You begin to think your whole life is a lie. Everyone is phony. No one loves or cares about you. Why would they? You’re worthless.

Sometimes my panic attacks last a few minutes, sometimes longer. But each one feels like an eternity. And here’s the worst part: They can happen anywhere. Most of the time, they hit me without any notice. Recently I was at a friend’s wedding, and I had to lock myself in the bathroom until a panic attack passed. When I came out, everyone kept saying, "Are you alright?" I went home early. I wish I could have stayed.

I lie about my panic attacks.

Sometimes I say that I have the flu or an upset stomach. What else can I do? The few times that I’ve told people they'd reacted severely. Like they didn’t believe me. Or they give me lame advice. My gym-obsessed friends ask me to work out. As if cardio cures everything. They don’t mean to be insensitive, but sometimes their advice feels cruel. They've never had a panic attack. They don’t know how bad it can be.

Lately, my panic attacks are getting worse. Sometimes just worrying about having a panic attack can trigger one. The other day, I was waiting on line in my grocery store. Suddenly my hands start to tingle. I got dizzy. I had chest pains and felt like everyone was staring at me. I left the line and walked out of the store. On my way out, the store manager yelled, "Please don’t leave your shopping cart there!" I ignored him, kept walking, and hid in my car until the panic attack passed. Now I’m afraid to go back to the store. It was so humiliating.

Panic attacks are shrinking my life.

I’m starting to isolate myself. I travel less, fear family gatherings and work events, and I’ve stopped dating. I’m afraid if I don't do something, my fear of panic attacks will ruin my life.

What if I start to have panic attacks at work? What if I lose my job? What will I do then?

I can’t keep pretending my panic attacks will get better. I’ve got to get professional help.

Here are seven things I started to do to reduce my panic attacks:

1. I made a list of foods to avoid, like caffeinated food or drinks.
2. I started a journal to record when I have panic attacks and under what conditions.
3. I found a support group for panic attacks.
4. I called a psychotherapist who specializes in panic disorders. I made an appointment and asked a friend to go with me.
5. I bought a panic attack workbook.
6. I’m slowly started exercising again with a friend.
7. I started listening to relaxation podcasts.

I know it sounds like a lot, but I’ve concluded that defeating panic attacks is a battle that I’m determined to win.” (See also "What If Nothing Stops My Panic Attacks")