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Key points
- The seemingly benign expression "I can't" can lead to personal, social, and or professional stagnation.
- Six self-defeating uses of "I can't" are defined, which include behavioral, emotional, impulsive, and cognitive uses.
- A self-check inventory can help you see if you tend toward these uses and would benefit from addressing the irrational thinking.
How often do you tell yourself “I can’t!"? With these little words, you may be talking yourself out of a lot of exciting life opportunities. Unfortunately, many people go through much (if not all) of their lives without realizing how this seemingly benign expression has kept them in a state of personal, social, and/or professional stagnation.
So, how many ways can you can’tstipate yourself—that is, undermine your own happiness by using these self-tyrannizing words?
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Those Who Say They Can’t: A Workbook for Overcoming Your Self-Defeating Thoughts, I have identified six commonplace uses of “I can’t” that can lead to such self-defeating consequences. They are summarized in the following table (Cohen, 2022):
Six Self-Defeating Types of Can’tsipation
1. Risk-Aversion
Category: Behavioral
Dysfunction: Obstructs rational risk-taking
Illustration: "I can't afford to take any risks"2. Low-Frustration Tolerance
Category: Behavioral
Dysfunction: Creates/sustains low frustration tolerance
Illustration: “I can’t stand (don’t have patience) for difficult things”3. Low Self-Reliance
Category: Behavioral
Dysfunction: Creates/sustains dependency on others
Illustration: “I can’t make my own decisions”4. Low Anger Control
Category: Emotional
Dysfunction: Sustains a constant state of anger
Illustration: “I can’t help being pissed by that nasty comment”5. Phobia
Category: Impulsive
Dysfunction: Sustains intense, irrational fear
Illustration: “I can’t stand being in crowded places”6. Obsessive
Category: Cognitive
Dysfunction: Sustains unwanted or painful thoughts
Illustration: “I can’t get that horrible thought out of my head”
As you can see, three of these types of “I can’t” are behavioral, meaning they tend to undermine your behavior such as taking reasonable risks, doing things that involve relatively short-term frustration for the sake of longer-term gratification, and making your own decisions instead of relying on others. Another of these usages is emotional, meaning it tends to sustain self-defeating emotions—in particular, irrational anger. One further usage is impulsive, meaning it sustains irrational impulses such as phobic fear. A still further usage is cognitive, meaning it sustains self-defeating thoughts such as obsessive ones.
There are three related ways to overcome any of these types of can’tstipation:
- Working cognitively by reframing your self-talk to be more empowering—for example, changing “I can’t” to “I choose not to” or “I must not” to “I prefer not”;
- Working emotively by neutralizing or reversing associated negative feelings—for example, in cases of low self-reliance, changing your feeling of low self-esteem to one of unconditional self-acceptance by embracing an empowering philosophy of self-love such as in Buddhism or Erich Fromm; and
- Working behaviorally by changing your actions to constructive ones—for example, practicing taking incremental risks in the case of risk aversion.
In Cognitive-Behavior Therapy for Those Who Say They Can’t, I have included systematic sets of exercises for working on each of the six types of can’tstipation cognitively, emotively, and behaviorally. The first step in this process, however, is defining the problem to be addressed. The below inventory is offered to help you determine if you are can’tstipating yourself in any of the aforementioned six ways, and can therefore benefit from the latter self-help approach.
To take the inventory, simply indicate your level of agreement with each of the thinking processes below by circling one of the four choices. If you are not sure which of two choices apply, circle the higher number (Cohen, 2022):
- I can’t help getting very angry when people treat me badly. Because it feels so wrong when I think of how badly they’ve treated me, I feel powerless over my anger toward them.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I have an extreme fear of doing a certain thing(s) or being in a certain situation(s). So, I tell myself I can’t do this thing(s) or be in this situation(s); and it’s negatively impacting my life.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I feel like I can’t stand to wait very long for things, even if I want them a lot, so I easily give up on things that take a lot of time, or just don’t pursue them.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I can’t stand to do things that are unpleasant even if I need to do them to get something I really want. So, I give up on these things and try to do other things that give me more immediate pleasure.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I tell myself I can’t do things when I find them difficult or challenging. I easily get frustrated and give up on them.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I tell myself I can’t do things when I feel uncertain about their outcomes. This creates a lot of anxiety for me when making decisions, especially important ones.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I tell myself I can’t do certain things when I think there’s a chance I might mess up and make myself look foolish. This creates a lot of anxiety for me when making decisions, especially important ones.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I tell myself I can’t do certain things when I think there’s a chance they might go wrong and ruin my life. This creates a lot of anxiety for me when making decisions, especially important ones.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I can’t make decisions on my own. I get very anxious that I might make a mistake, so I look to my significant other, or someone else I confide in, to tell me what to do.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I feel like I need other people’s approval to feel good about myself and tend to rely on others to tell me what to do.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I keep thinking about the possibility of something extremely bad happening to me or a loved one. I don’t know that it will actually happen but I’m not certain it won’t happen and can’t get it out of my mind.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree- I keep ruminating about the possibility of my doing something very bad. I don’t think I will do it but I’m not really sure, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
(4) Agree strongly, (3) agree, (2) agree somewhat, (1) do not agree
If your answer to any of the above 12 lines of thinking is 4, 3, or 2, then you may tend to can’tstipate yourself in a particular way or other; the higher the number, the stronger the tendency.
Inventory Statements with Corresponding Can'tstipation Type (as indicated by a response of 2,3, or 4)
Inventory Statements 6, 7, or 8 .......................... RISK-AVERSION
inventory Statements 3, 4, or 5 .......................... LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
Inventory Statement 9 or 10................................. LOW SELF-RELIANCE
Inventory Statement 1 .............................................LOW ANGER CONTROL
Inventory Statement 2.............................................PHOBIA
Inventory Statements 11 or 12...............................OBSESSIVE
I have found that many of us who can’tstipate ourselves do so in more than one way. If you have identified one or more of the above types of can’tstipation, then you may benefit from working cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally on the type/s of can’tstipation you identified.
This will take a commitment to work diligently toward constructive change. The good news is that the feeling of disempowerment associated with can’tstipation that keeps you from attaining many of your life goals is just that—a subjective feeling inside you, a false sense of incapacity, which you can overcome by working cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally on the irrational thinking that generates it.
References
Cohen, E.D. (2022). Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Those Who Say They Can't: A Workbook for Overcoming Your Self-Defeating Thoughts. London: Routledge.
