10 Paradoxes That Will Change How You See Relationships

Happy relationships require us to do things that feel counterintuitive sometimes. But sometimes, doing the opposite of how you feel can have some surprising benefits.

In my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, I share how to give up the unhealthy habits that can strain your relationship. Many of the things you have to give up to build a stronger relationship are the things you might cling to because you're desperate to stay close.

Here are 10 counterintuitive things that can actually help you become a happier, stronger couple.

1. Give space to build closeness.

At first glance, giving your partner space might seem like a path to distance rather than closeness. However, research on personal space and interpersonal relationships shows that allowing each other room to pursue individual interests fosters personal growth.

Whether that means giving one another room to pursue different hobbies or having separate friends that you spend time with, independence is crucial to a healthy bond. When partners support each other's independence, they often have more to share, leading to deeper appreciation and intimacy.

2. Embrace imperfections to perfect your bond.

Striving for perfection in ourselves or the relationship itself can lead to dissatisfaction. Embracing each other's flaws allows for genuine connection and acceptance, paving the way for a more authentic bond.

When you accept that you aren't going to be a perfect individual or a perfect partner, you'll become more forgiving of your partner's imperfections too. This seemingly contradictory approach reveals that true perfection in relationships lies in appreciating imperfection.

3. Argue to keep the peace.

Engaging in healthy disagreements might appear counterintuitive to maintaining peace. Yet, conflict resolution studies highlight that addressing issues directly can prevent resentment and build a stronger foundation.

Sometimes you have to tear something down to build and repair it better. Constructive arguments facilitate better understanding and happy couples know how to turn conflict into a tool for growth rather than a source of division.

4. Be vulnerable to gain strength.

Opening up about fears and insecurities can feel scary, but it fosters trust and intimacy. Your partner doesn’t love you because you’re perfect. They love you because you are real.

Vulnerability allows partners to support each other and it is key to building a stronger relationship. Strength in relationships often comes from the courage to be open and honest.

5. Foster dependence with independence.

Maintaining a sense of independence within a relationship can enhance interdependence. When both partners feel secure and self-reliant, they are more likely to trust and rely on each other.

When you know your partner is pursuing things they love and you’re spending time with people you enjoy, you can feel better about yourselves and the relationship. This balance creates a dynamic where independence strengthens the bond rather than weakens it.

6. Letting go helps you hold on.

Letting go of control or strict expectations can allow relationships to flourish. This could mean letting go of your desire to get your partner to change or letting go of expectations about how your relationship should be.

Relinquishing the need to control how your partner does things also fosters a more fluid and harmonious connection. By letting go, couples often come together to discover a better sense of unity and understanding.

7. Accept change to stay the same.

As relationships evolve, embracing change is crucial for long-term happiness. By adapting to each other's growth, couples can maintain the core essence of their partnership.

As the world changes and you and your partner grow, you have the ability to stay connected. If you accept that change is inevitable, you can grow together and, maybe even decades from now, you might still feel like you have the same intense bond that made you decide to commit to one another.

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8. Listen to be heard.

Communication is the key to all good relationships. But, good communication isn’t about talking more. It’s often about becoming a better listener.

Active listening might seem like a passive role, but it actually ensures both partners feel valued and understood. By truly hearing each other, you’ll better understand one another’s needs. You’ll be better equipped to tackle problems and work together as a team once you’re listening to one another.

9. Practice self-reflection for mutual understanding.

Reflecting on your emotions, actions, and thoughts can enhance empathy and understanding within a relationship. When you better understand yourself, you’ll be able to connect more deeply with your partner.

Inner work contributes to a stronger external bond. That’s why working on yourself can sometimes be the best thing you can do for the health of your relationship.

10. Find commitment in freedom.

Committing to a relationship can feel like a restriction, yet it often brings a sense of freedom. When you engage in a secure partnership, you may find a stable base that will let you explore life more freely.

A happy commitment can become a liberating force, rather than a confining one. When you have a healthy partnership, you know that you’re a part of a team and you can live life a little differently than when you feel like you’re on a solo adventure.

Embracing the contradictions of love can help you develop a stronger, happier relationship. When you understand that you sometimes have to do the opposite of what seems intuitive, you’ll develop a more resilient relationship and a stronger bond.