Can You Hear the Truth About Yourself?

Imagine, a friend tells you that they want to say something to you. They sit you down and proceed to tell you some home truths. What would they say?

The key to personal growth is to be willing to recognise the truth about ourselves. Most of us might think we are open to learning about ourselves, but are we, really?

The fact is, when we are confronted by new information about ourselves that we don’t like, most of us simply push it away. We don't want to hear anything that threatens our view of ourselves, and our existing beliefs and assumptions. Only slowly, over time, if at all, do we let that new information sink in.

Watching other people go through this and come out the other end makes for great television. If you have ever seen the television programme "Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares", where chef Gordon Ramsey visits failing hotels and restaurants and turns them around, you will know what I am talking about. I remember one episode where Gordon visits a shabby inn, its decor attracting few customers, but the owner seemed oblivious to the failings of his establishment. Gordon first checks out the menu. He delivers the verdict: "disgusting." The owner is angry and confused about why Gordon is saying this. Gordon then checks out the rooms. The verdict is also not good. Under ultraviolet light, it shows that the bedclothes and carpets in the bedrooms are heavily stained. The owner storms off in a rage.

An hour later in television time, the hotel is redecorated, the menu is streamlined, the owner is greeting guests as they stream in for the first time in years. As viewers sitting at home on our sofas watching the owner crying and hugging Gordon, telling him that he has saved his life, we might even be moved to tears, so profound are the changes in the owner’s demeanour, his openness to learning, and willingness to change.

The point is, quite simply, that the truth can be hard to hear, but that’s how change comes about. I think a reason why such reality programmes are so compelling is that we see ourselves reflected in the owners of these failing restau­rants and hotels. These stories tell us about ourselves, and how difficult and upsetting it is for us to take on board new information that runs counter to what we already think, especially when it challenges our perceptions of ourselves. After all, who are we if not the sum of our beliefs and assumptions?

Ask yourself this: In what ways would you say you have changed over the past seven years? How would you describe the person you are today compared to the person you were then?

Some people will find that an easier question to answer than others. Asking it gives us a clue whether we are the sort of person who is able to change. The great physicist Albert Einstein is often quoted as having said, "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be." Accepting this fact of life is the key to personal growth, but we get locked into our own worldview. We simply want to hear what we already think when what we really need to do to get the most out of life, to grow as human beings, is to be open to learning and to be willing to change.

Often, there is at least a seed of truth in the things we don't want to hear, so instead of pushing it all away, pay attention and see what can be learned.

This is an edited extract from my new book Think Like a therapist. Six Life-changing Insights for Leading a Good Life.