When Your Child Comes Out as LGBTQ

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Have you thought of what you would say if your child came out to you as LGBTQ? This is a question I often ask parents, and most say they have not or ask me why I would ask such a question, to which I respond, "Because you might be raising a child who is LGBTQ."

As a parent, you should be aware by now that a small percentage of all children eventually are going to identify as LGBTQ. In 2022, for example, a Gallup poll found that more than 7 percent of adult Americans now think of themselves this way, and you can be certain that they became aware of their attraction to the same sex when they were just kids. Mostly, though, they had no one to talk to about this.

It’s just a fact of life, and one that some parents are going to have to deal with. So, the question becomes: how? Most parents think they are raising heterosexual, cisgender kids and won’t think twice if little Johnny has a crush on Suzie in the third grade. In fact, teachers will often encourage exchanges of Valentine’s cards as an appropriate way to express their attraction. But what if Johnny has a crush Sammy? Or if Suzie feels attracted to Miss Jones, her teacher? Shouldn’t this be understood in the same way?

We live within a culture that overwhelmingly reinforces only heterosexual stereotypes. Think of the children’s stories like "Cinderella" or "Sleeping Beauty." What if it’s a princess who wants to find the girl who lost her slipper at the ball the previous night? What if a prince wants to kiss the sleeping young man who he finds irresistibly beautiful? Where will kids with such feelings find affirmation if not from their parents?

In 2022, nearly half of LGBTQ youth considered suicide, according to a survey by The Trevor Project, a nonprofit organization founded in 1998 to help end suicide. Children don’t have the language or the cultural references to contain or express their feelings about someone of their same gender. If they do express them, parents question “Who put this in their mind,” or the kids are often shamed or bullied into silence. Parents, then, need to be prepared to deal with their child’s expressions of affection in whatever form they come.

Why the reticence?

When I have asked parents if they’ve considered how they’re going to talk with their kids about this subject, too often I have heard, “Why would I plant that idea in their head?”

There seems to be an assumption out there that as long as their child never hears or reads about same-sex attraction, they won’t be affected, as if the idea is some sort of virus that may infect them through words. But you cannot catch being LGBTQ. Neither can you rid someone of their attraction to the same sex by praying or brainwashing them away. These are facts of life that all parents need to recognize and accept.

In the same way, we are being naïve to think feelings of same-sex attraction don’t begin to surface on their own at a very young age. I knew at age 8 that I was attracted to boys. Others often know earlier. They just don’t know what to call it since we don’t give children language around being anything other than heterosexual and cisgender.

Some parents say they won’t talk about this until the child turns 14 because that’s when their sexuality kicks in. This is misguided because being LGBTQ is much more than just sex and sexuality. There are romantic and emotional interests in same-sex attraction that have nothing to do with sex. By the time a child is 14, they have made up many stories about the world and their family in terms of how they will be accepted or rejected.

In some ways, I feel as though we are moving backward in our culture. It was not so long ago that gay marriage became legal, that librarians were thought of as educational assets, that “grooming” meant cutting hair or trimming beards, and that drag was just considered entertaining. Now, there is a growing culture of fear and suppression around anything that steps outside the narrow limits of acceptability. The term “grooming” is often thrown around to scare everyone away from exposing children to the possibility of being LGBTQ.

Part of the taboo around this is because we tend to mistakenly equate being gay with sex, but this is far too reductive. People are so much more than what they do in bed. A gay man, even if he never has sex again, is still gay. Children who grow up with two dads or two moms see this all the time and don’t equate it with sex. Let’s not forget that there are many LGBTQ parents raising children and that we have years of good research¹ showing that their kids are no more likely to grow up to be LGBTQ than the kids of straight parents. They may be open to the possibility and consideration of same-sex relationships, but it doesn’t “plant in their minds” the idea that they are LGBTQ.

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How to talk about this

So, if and when your child begins to talk about or show signs of feeling attracted to someone of the same sex, you should be prepared.

• Listen openly to them.
• Don’t shame them.
• Be affirmative without celebrating their feelings.
• Mirror their words back to them so they know you are hearing them.
• Encourage them to tell you more about their thoughts and feelings.
• Validate their experience without worrying about talking about sex.

We owe it to our children to make them feel accepted, to listen to them, and to validate their place in the world. Not doing so may be deeply destructive to their emotional and spiritual growth.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.