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Key points
- Approximately 30 percent of adults in the U.S. have experienced ghosting.
- Those with Dark Triad traits are more likely to use ghosting as a way of ending a romantic relationship.
- Low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy are positively correlated with ghosting a relationship.
Ghosting, or the unilateral disappearing from a commitment or relationship, has become normalized as a result of technology, online dating apps, and social media that make it easy to disappear from a person’s life. Most of us probably think of ghosting as a near-inevitable part of modern romantic relationships.
Yet in recent years, ghosting has increasingly spread beyond romance, with no-shows at family reunions or holidays, arbitrarily leaving a job, or abandoning friendships. Still, ghosting typically has the most negative impact on the ghostee (the person being ghosted) when the ghosting happens within the context of a romantic relationship.
Current research suggests that approximately 30 percent of adults in the United States have experienced ghosting at one time or another within the last 10 years, with most ghosting occurring from online dating apps. Ghosting statistics nearly double to 58.5 percent among those displaying Dark Triad personality traits, specifically those with vulnerable, or "covert," narcissism. Vulnerable narcissists are often highly self-invested, and they may have traits of both narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.
The reasons a person ghosts another can be complex. In the context of casual online dating, especially via dating apps, ghosting can occur after just a few brief conversations if one person decides the other does not pique or maintain their interest enough to continue talking. Or, after meeting in person, they may decide that there is no connection and choose to stop further communication. While this behavior may appear socially inept, in dating circles it is often acceptable if there is no longer-term commitment or the two people barely know each other.
Then, there is ghosting that happens within a long-term commitment that can leave the ghostee confused, depressed, or even traumatized. These feelings of betrayal can be magnified if the person doing the ghosting immediately moves on to another relationship.
Here are four underlying reasons for ghosting a long-term relationship outside of the socially "accepted" norm:
1. Feelings of Inadequacy. Low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy are positively correlated with ghosting a relationship, meaning that the more a person struggles with feeling inadequate, the greater their probability of “ghosting” a partner. If a person does not feel confident within themselves, believes their partner deserves much better, or struggles with deep attachment wounding, they may ghost a relationship. Underneath this pattern, some ghosters may believe they are doing the other person a favor by erasing themselves from that person’s life, instead of working through their pain with a supportive partner.
2. Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism. Research supports that those with Dark Triad traits are more likely to use ghosting as a way of ending a romantic relationship because of reduced emotional empathy. More specifically, those scoring highest in vulnerable narcissism are at the greatest risk for using ghosting to end a romantic relationship. An interesting finding is that vulnerable narcissists also have the highest proportions of showing inauthentic displays of confidence, exhibitionism, charm, and extraversion in order to secure a prospective partner.
3. Poor Communication. The hard truth is that some will ghost a romantic relationship when it comes down to the moment of having to have a tough conversation with their partner. They may have fallen out of love with the other person, may be feeling vulnerable from having their own abandonment wounds surface, or simply do not know how to approach a difficult conversation because of a lack of experience or their own fears of disappointing the other person. As a result, they may resort to ghosting the relationship as a way of making a statement without saying a word.
4. Coercive Control. For some displaying high levels of Dark Triad traits, ghosting a person, especially when in a longer-term romantic relationship, may be a red flag of coercive control. In these situations, the “ghoster” may be trying to win the upper hand by leaving first without a goodbye, and trying to get the other person to take “chase” after them. If the partner who was ghosted reaches out, it creates a bigger power imbalance and further reduces their personal power, should the relationship continue.
Ghosting vs. No Contact
Is there ever a good reason to ghost someone? The short answer is yes. If you have gotten involved with a friend, family member, or partner who has smeared you or caused you harm, and you want to make a clean break from the situation, then going no contact is strongly recommenced.
By going no contact, you start to take back your life, on your terms, through a process of blocking the person and perhaps any mutual friends as well. It is also strongly recommended to speak to a trauma therapist who can help you regain your sense of personal safety and autonomy while helping you heal from narcissistic abuse.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Facebook image: SB Arts Media/Shutterstock
References
Forrai, M., et al. (2023). Short-sighted ghosts. Psychological antecedents and consequences of ghosting others within emerging adults’ romantic relationships and friendships. Telematics and Informaticas, 80, 1-12.
Jonason, P.K., at al. (2021). Leaving without a word: Ghosting and the dark triad traits. Acta Psychologica, 220, 1-5.
Narvarro, R., et al. (2020). Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: A preliminary study among adults. International Journal of Environmental Research on Public Health, 17(3), 1-13.
