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Key points
- Children who experience neglect or abuse may grow up feeling emotionally “stuck” at the age in which they experienced trauma.
- Many with histories of early trauma are desensitized to narcissistic partners and may find them “comfortable” if it's all they’ve known.
- Red flags of nervous system dysregulation can include technology, social media, or exercise dependency or pathological behavior linked to love.
The U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs reports that approximately 15-43 percent of children and teens have experienced trauma, with estimates that as many as 6 percent of adolescents develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These statistics involve over 5.5 million children with reported cases of neglect or abuse.
Traumatic experiences are stored in our body and our subconscious mind, including attachment wounds that can begin as a result of developmental trauma in our formative years. Children who experience emotional and attachment wounding often become adults who hold onto this pain in their relational patterns, thoughts, feelings, self-beliefs, and choices in romantic partners as products of their early conditioning and attachment trauma.
Many of our earliest experiences are shadowed and highlighted by our parents’ and caregivers’ own level of self-awareness and where they are in their own healing journey. Caregivers who are attuned to their children’s emotional needs are also typically attuned to their own needs. In this vein, emotionally healthy parents equal a shattering of inter-generational trauma.
Yet, as statistics report, many do not grow up with emotionally healthy parents. Children who experience neglect or emotional or physical abuse may grow up living in survival mode, where their inner child has become emotionally “stuck” at the age in which they experienced trauma or chronic trauma. These internalized messages a child receives may be subconsciously processed long before the child can developmentally understand their meaning, leaving the child at risk for emotional wounding.
Recognizing and Acknowledging Early Emotional Wounds
Our inner child is a product of all of our positive qualities, including our joys, the free-spirited and positive parts of our sense of self, as well as things learned and conditioned that hold painful memories and traumatic experiences. It is during these formative years that we learn to identify our basic needs, including our need for safety, security, consistency, and a sense of belonging with those in our life.
Attachment trauma often shows up in a person's adult romantic relationships as toxic patterns, narcissistic adaptations, trust issues, difficulty with feeling vulnerable, and poor conflict resolution; problems may be avoided, dismissed, minimized, or exaggerated. Other common early wounds can include fears of abandonment or rejection, an unstable sense of self-identity, a harsh inner critic, an inability to be without a romantic relationship, or avoidance of romantic relationships.
Five areas of focus on healing our early emotional wounds include:
1. Biological and Physical Needs
These can include drinking enough water throughout the day to ensure that you’re hydrated, making healthy choices for snacks and meals, and getting enough exercise and fresh air. If a person was parented in a toxic or violent way, even the most basic needs, like getting enough sleep, may not have happened because of fears of the unknown when going to bed at night. Many kids who were raised in chaos were also raised in survival mode, so something as necessary and basic as getting a healthy amount of quality sleep may not have happened, leaving their body vulnerable for nervous system dysregulation.
2. Nervous System Regulation
Kids who experienced chaos and significant trauma often become adults with dysregulated nervous systems. Many may turn to distractions (like gaming, overusing technology or social media, over-exercising, or even pathological behaviors associated with love) as ways of trying to self-soothe and feel validated. Yet, these patterns of escape and avoidance perpetuate trauma; they don’t heal it.
It’s important to recognize if we need a break, need time to relax, or are becoming overstimulated. It is also important to recognize our motivations when it comes to our behavior patterns, as these provide clues into things like unmet needs or fears. As we begin reparenting ourselves, we also begin recognizing the messages our nervous system are telling us, so we can tend to our needs.
3. Providing a Safe Space
Safety being compromised is where many experience their first trauma in childhood. What some may not see is how not feeling safe in their childhood can affect their choices in friendships, self-beliefs, and their romantic relationships. For example, some may attract partners who are “exciting” where unpredictable or impulsive get confused as “fun.” Or a person may be attracted to partners who are volatile, narcissistic, or unreliable because of their earliest experiences in feeling unseen or unheard. Establishing a safe space means having a safe, predictable, and reliable environment that fosters a sense of stability, trust, and consistency, which also includes the people we choose to bring into our lives.
4. Identifying Narcissistic Abuse
Many with histories of attachment and developmental trauma have become desensitized to narcissistic behavior. Some may even find it “normal” or “comfortable” because it may be all they’ve known. Others may have developed survival responses that have left them vulnerable to more narcissistic friendships or romantic relationships. Identifying these patterns is important when doing healing work in order to identify what trauma responses have become “adaptive” (i.e., fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) and how to unlearn these patterns over time.
5. Maintaining Boundaries
Reparenting ourselves and healing our early emotional wounds may include learning where boundaries need tightening or creating new boundaries. This may also include learning how to make difficult decisions, such as walking away from a toxic friendship, a “herd mentality,” or a romantic relationship that has proven unhealthy. Other tough decisions may include choosing our self over what others think we should do, as well as learning how to say “no” in order to maintain a personal boundary we have set for ourselves.
References
Bradshaw, J. (1992). Homecoming: Reclaiming and championing your inner child. New York: Bantam.
Walker, P. (2014). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure: Lafayette.
