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Narcissism
Can Narcissists Become Less Self-Centered?
6 steps to changing self-centered behaviors that anyone can use.
Posted October 22, 2019 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
If you are in a long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you have probably already discovered a secret: Narcissists can be very boring! Although initially they may make a good impression, their extreme self-centeredness often interferes with their ability to have a normal conversation with you or anyone else.
For example, instead of having a spontaneous dialogue in which the conversation flows back and forth, people with narcissistic personality disorder, tend to dominate the conversation by telling stories, lecturing, or giving unsolicited advice. They often tell the same stories or jokes over and over because they do not bother to remember what they have said or to whom.
The stories and even the lectures may be amusing in the beginning, but as they are repeated they become boring. But if you interrupt and say that you have already heard that story or do not want a lecture on wine right now, your narcissistic self-centered partner is likely to get insulted, start a fight with you, or simply ignore you and go back to talking. Your needs are disregarded because narcissists are generally only focused on what feels good to them.
After a while, going out with your partner to parties or dinners can become very embarrassing and unpleasant. You see the glazed looks on other people’s faces as your mate goes on and on, completely oblivious to other people’s bored responses. People drift away from the two of you at parties to join another group. Only your most tolerant friends want to go out to dinner with the two of you.
The truth is that narcissists are so incredibly self-centered they may not even notice or understand that their behavior is driving other people away. Left to their own devices, they will never correct this situation because they do not see it as a problem.
In this article, I am focusing on changing self-centered social behaviors that occur in public, but the same 6 steps can be used to change any narcissistic behavior. Actually, anyone can use these steps for change. You do not have to be a narcissist. This is a map of how to do it.
Note: In this article, I am using the terms “narcissist” and “narcissistic” as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder or who is displaying many narcissistic traits and coping mechanisms. I sometimes substitute the term “adaptation” for “disorder.”
Will all narcissists change with this method?
The truthful answer is no. Many people with narcissistic disorders are not good candidates for change unless there is something in it for them. And some are almost incapable of self-reflection.
There is, however, a small subgroup who are self-aware enough to understand that they have narcissistic issues and have a strong enough motivation to act in a less self-centered way. They may be threatened by the possibility of losing their mate or their job if they do not make some changes in how they talk to other people. Or, they may be tired of the narcissistic merry-go-round where they constantly are seeking external validation and the same things happen over and over. Or, they may have had a devastating blow to their self-esteem—a public failure, a lost job, an unexpected divorce—that makes them vulnerable and causes them to question themselves for the first time. This is the subgroup of narcissists that this article is intended to help.
But aren’t these changes just superficial?
All types of changes are superficial in the beginning. The good news is that our brain is wired to allow us to form new habits through repetition. This means that even narcissistic behaviors can be changed. And, even if the new non-narcissistic behavior is performed without becoming deeply ingrained as a habit, it still improves the narcissist’s ability to pay attention to other people’s responses. As a result, social events become more pleasant.
My clients with narcissistic personality disorder have to learn to pay attention to other people’s needs and desires. In the beginning, this is very difficult for them. It rarely becomes entirely effortless. I liken this process to trying to learn a foreign language as an adult. You can become proficient with a lot of effort, but it may take decades of hard work and exposure to become effortlessly fluent in it. So, for most people with narcissistic personality disorder, not acting in an entirely self-centered way is likely to involve a lot of suppression, coupled with a bit of evolution.
The transition from being totally narcissistically self-centered to becoming generally more thoughtful about other people’s feelings goes through some predictable stages. Here I have broken it into a 6-step process. Most narcissists are satisfied with making small improvements. But even small improvements can make a big difference in the quality of their relationships.
Step 1—Admit what they are doing is not working.
This step is actually the hardest one for people with narcissistic adaptations because one of the ways they cope is by insisting that everything they do is perfect. When things go wrong, they simply blame other people or bad luck. So, admitting they need to change is a very big first step.
Step 2—Target an area to improve.
It is usually best for the person to start with an issue that is relatively easy for them to recognize and does not require any emotional empathy.
For example, Bill’s wife Dina hated that he told the same three stories at every party that they attended. Bill liked to tell these stories because he thought they showed him in a good light, he got to be the center of attention, and he did not really know how to simply have an unplanned, spontaneous conversation.
Dina found Bill’s behavior embarrassing because she knew most of the people they knew had already heard these stories before and were just being polite.
They used to fight about this regularly because Bill insisted that everyone loved his stories. Eventually, after Dina repeatedly pointed out that people tended to walk away from them as soon as Bill started talking, Bill reluctantly agreed to make some sort of change.
Step 3—Pick a new behavior to practice.
It is important to decide on the behavior ahead of time and then stick to it. Bill agreed that his new behavior would be to ask the other people they were sitting with two questions about their life, and not volunteer anything about himself and his life until someone asked him a direct question.
Step 4—Practice the new behavior while inhibiting the old narcissistic one.
Dina helped Bill identify the three stories he habitually brought up and he agreed to stop telling them. Instead, he would practice asking other people open-ended questions, such as: “How was your week?”
At this point, Bill still had no real interest in anyone else’s life, but he did want to be more popular with other people.
Step 5—Keep at it until you can do the new behavior easily and automatically.
Bill made this into a bit of a game and started to take pride in the questions that he asked. After a while, he no longer had to struggle so hard to inhibit his urge to seize center stage and tell his prepackaged stories.
Step 6—Add a second new behavior to practice.
Continue the new behavior, but now choose a second one to add.
Bill was very controlling and easily embarrassed. If Dina started talking about something that bored or annoyed him while they were at dinner with another couple, he used to kick her under the table. Dina was tired of coming home with black and blue marks every time Bill wanted her to change the topic.
His new behavior was to stop kicking Dina. They agreed that instead, he should wait for her to pause and then change the topic.
So is Bill really less self-centered now?
In one way he is. Inhibiting his storytelling and searching for questions to ask actually helped Bill focus more on other people’s reactions to his behavior. In another way, you could say that Bill was exactly the same as before, but with better manners.
In any case, Bill’s willingness to try something new made his relationship with Dina better and they were happier with each other and fighting less.
Punchline: People with narcissistic personality disorder can become less self-centered if they are motivated to do so. The change comes about through a combination of conscious suppression of maladaptive narcissistic behaviors and the evolution that comes from repeated practice of the new more desirable ones. If you are a narcissist, the hardest part is likely to be Step 1—Admitting that you are not perfect and there is something that you need to change.
Adapted from a Quora post.
